Sunday, November 27, 2011

I'm done

I had a really weird dream with my son's dad in it. I dreamed I was hurt, I couldn't believe it. Yet, at the same time it made sense, though I was still hurt. You know what happened? Nothing literally happened, but what was going on was I found out that my sons' dad was gay. He was with someone, and that someone was a guy. I was so confused. I was hurt on two different levels. I was hurt that he was gay and I had been with him. I was hurt that he didn't know before and we had gone through all that we went through for nothing. A little boy was born and he would not have been born to grow up  in a nasty world, or in this ordeal. I was hurt because he found someone, and I haven't. I know that sounds weird but that was how I was feeling.

I guess it does sound stupid to say, or to think, that one goes through the things that one goes through for nothing. It does feel like things happen and for what? For nothing. But, that really is how things just go, isn't it? Things happen and in the end there is nothing. It's like a waste of time.  Well, perhaps I shouldn't say that things happen for nothing because we do have some sort of personal growth, or some inner growth and learn from it. Some people never learn though. There are some people who are just so closed minded that they don't feel that they themselves were the problem, or that they contributed to the problem, all they feel is that they were right and the others are wrong. They have the right way of thinking and the others do not. Okay, I think I'm just rambling now.

I realize that I contributed to the problem my son's dad and I had. I realize that I could have stopped everything, and I didn't? Why? Well, it doesn't matter why, there shouldn't be any excuses, or least  they don't matter anymore, however valid they are. Things happened, and that is that.

I wish he would stop bothering me. Almost every single day there is a phone call from him, and not all the time it is for calling his son, and when he does talk to him, he has things to say to me. Oh my GOD!!!! Stop freaking calling me!! Stop talking to me, please. I beg you. I'm begging you now as much as I have over the damn phone. Let's just leave things how they are with our son. The things we have arranged around him and for him. It's done. Now, stop calling to talk to me, please?

Okay. I've begged you, and I've gotten nasty with you. And still nothing! When I ask you to stop, you tell me to think about it again, to think about it twice, and more. When I get nasty, you either want to take our son more, you want him more days, or you threaten to not be involved with our son. Is there no reason with you? Must you always have things your way? I don't know what do to anymore. I am filing for divorce now, and I just hope that when you get those papers there will be no problems... though, somehow I doubt that. This is going to be such an expensive divorce isn't it?