Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Since, that post it's been better. Mostly because I've been busy. I had my exam, researching for my term paper, getting ppr work done for my permit, and getting stuff done for my son's preschool. I got a call from a school, which isn't really that close, but that's okay, I will take it. It looks like the one close to us is not going to be calling us. So, I haven't been home. Which is good. But I feel so lonely. Heh.

It looks like two days a week I have to go in to work thirty minutes. Before we left a parent asked me if I would be able to go in thirty minutes earlier because she had to go in at work early. I think she had asked the other teacher but knowing her I'm sure she didn't want to. Anyway, my boss text me today and told me that it was fine for me to go in early, if I would be willing to. I agreed, thinking I would get paid what I get paid. Then she text me back and told me that the parent was going to pay me a lot more than I get an hour just for those thirty minutes. Wow. So, there is some good news. It would only be for the rest of the summer session, but that is fine with me. Some extra cash is extra cash and very much accepted!

Monday, July 25, 2011

I want to be happy

I like when I decide to do things and do them without hesitating, but mostly everything I do I hesitate. Why is that? Yesterday when I started feeling blue I decided "tonight, I am going to go for a run." I did, my son fell asleep early so I decided to take that opportunity and go early. I ran about three miles, don't know the time I did, and frankly I don't care. I ran, got tired, and felt a little better. I want to go tonight to, and I don't want to hesitate, so I will not even think about it until tonight, if my son falls asleep at 8, cool it won't be too late. If he falls asleep at 10, that's too bad, I will still go. I need to go.

Alright, so these past couple of days have been very blue feeling for me. Well, since yesterday. For some reason it seems to start on Sundays. You know what, I hate it. Yes, I hate it.

I was talking to someone last night (on the phone), and he made me feel worse. Not on purpose, merely by talking about himself, and about what his interests are and how he feels about women and men, culture, etc. I had mentioned to him earlier that I was feeling blue and was going to go for a run to de-stress a bit. He didn't ask anything about it, and I was kind of glad, because I wasn't sure whether I would say anything or not.

Sometimes, like last night and today, I feel like I am just dead weight. I feel there is no life in me. There is nothing in me that makes me not just an interesting human, but someone that someone could hang out with, have a relationship with, etc. Whenever I talk to people, I mostly just listen, sometimes I'll say something. But mostly I won't because I don't know what to say, I don't know how to word things, I don't know how to phrase things, I just don't know. This makes the other person feel awkward: my quietness, and my inability to carry on a conversation. I am much better communicating through writing rather than verbally.

This guy was so sure of himself. I like that in a person, any person. It makes me admire them. They know the kind of person they are, unlike someone writing here, and they are proud of it and proud of themselves. They know this is what they need to do. Why can't I be sure of myself? Why can't I say this is who I am? Maybe because I still don't know who I am, and that is pissing me off a lot. I think that is one of the reasons why I hold so much (omg, I can't think of that word. okay I just looked it up, don't know why I couldn't think of the word) resentment and pain created by someone who I think needs help. I know I need help too, I don't want to be like this person, and much less be the cause of pain for my son. I want him to have a better childhood, adolescence, and etc. I want him to be able to be himself (I'm at McDonald's and my eyes are filled with tears, and I'm trying to hold them from flowing out). Why am I having so much trouble bringing myself to get help?

My family is my family, and will always be. Unfortunately, my family is not very productive, and they don't seem to have much drive. Sometimes I feel like I am like that, and I don't want to be. There are stuff that I want to do, but the drive and motivation to do them is lacking a lot.

I feel guilty and sorry for my son for being born with a mother who doesn't seem to have a lot to offer, a mother who needs help. A mother who doesn't even know who she is. One day she is this way, the next she is that way. My interests are short-lived, and there seems to not be any follow-through. I'm thinking whether I should even start anything, because I probably won't stick to it. I always say I should do this, or I should start this, but have I? Why? Why haven't I.

I feel too conscious of the way that I am, and I don't like it. There are people that are like me, and they are okay with it. By that I mean, there are people who are not very productive or have much drive, and they are okay with it, they are happy. They don't want to go do things beyond what they can do, they don't want to do anything more other than go shopping, party, etc. and they are fine with that. I'm not saying that's bad, but that's just not someone that I want to be (if people are happy doing what they do, then that's good. I'm not one to judge. Hey they are happy) though I feel like it is who I am because I am surrounded by that.

I'm having so much trouble going out there, and meeting new people. I am having trouble with a lot of things I guess. Ay. Sometimes I feel like it would be better if I wasn't even here. Seriously. Don't get me wrong. I'm not suicidal, at all, I couldn't bare dying with the guilt and shame of leaving my son. So, yeah I have someone to live for.

I still have a lot to figure out.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Doing Homework

I told my son a couple of nights ago that I had to do some homework, so we needed to have some quiet time. Meaning looking at books, using crayons, markers, scissors, etc. you know things you can do quietly. He said "I have to do homework too" Lol. Okay, so he grabbed his notebook and started doing "hw." I thought I'd snap a picture with my cellphone...
My camera is messed up. My son was messing with the lens part. I caught him turning it on and off just to see it slide in and out and trying to grab it when it popped out and keep it from sliding back in.

Anyway, nothing to write but thought I'd share the picture =)

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Lonely mood, and other stuff...

Okay, I'm going to reveal things that I've never revealed to anybody, but I feel safe doing it here, since I trust the people who read this and nobody I know directly reads this. It might be a little too detailed but it feels therapeutic and revealing.

Well, I'm in one of my lonely moods. My son isn't here and I am not enjoying my alone time. It's too... well, lonely. Sometimes, I feel like forgetting everything and not care about what I do. I know how I am feeling and I know that if I were to be placed in a situation where someone were to "lure" me, I would fall. I'm that "vulnerable" right now. So, I don't want to place myself in that situation. Sometimes though, like today, I just want to emerge myself in that vulnerability and let it take over. If I were to do that, where would it lead me? Would it lead me to a bar? Somewhere to meet someone and have casual sex, or a one night stand? I also know that having sex, making love, or whatever you'd like to call it has a very profound effect on me. It really penetrates deeply (no pun intended) into my whole being. Sometimes I feel envy towards those who are able to do things and not feel anything. Let it just be that, and period. Just sex. I guess that is what it is for many people, just sex. It is what it should be anyway, since we are animals with urges.

What about those emotional urges? Perhaps that is what I am vulnerable to. Perhaps I am just emotionally needy? I've only been with one person (by been, I mean had done more than just sleep in bed), and from the moment I allowed myself to be lead, and to be touched, he had me. Then, slowly is started moving into something else. It's awful to be taken advantage of. I am going to tell you that I have been. Although it is someone that I had already become connected with, that is what makes it more disturbing (for me at least). Why is there a need to take advantage? I guess others would say its not being taken advantage of because it's my "other half". Perhaps that can happen when one enters a relationship without much maturity. Man, I'm not making any sense. The cars from my train of thoughts has scattered.

I'll try again. Your emotions go haywire once you realize, or even before, that it is not normal to have tears in your eyes when the person you trust is forcing himself on you. It's not normal to have him raging mad when he is not getting what he wants and calling you names and pushing you around until he gets it. It is also not normal to be disgusted by this person once the act of sex has been done, however mutual it seems. Ayayay. And his "friend" trying to rape me (I really don't like that word, don't know what word to use), didn't help any. If anything it probably made things worse. I remember one time, a few months after it happened, we were watching something with his cousin and his girlfriend, and I leaned in against him and wanted to give him a kiss, but he leaned back and looked at me with disgusted eyes... he mumbled something but he also said something "you had sex with [him]" I was taken back by this. It came out of nowhere. I told him I didn't. He didn't believe me, and it had me sobbing. I wanted help, he didn't want none of it.

All this sounds like a typical woman staying with the dead-beat husband. I hate it. wow I used the word hate.... Thankfully, I've left.... so.... Why am I still dwelling? Grr.

Anyway, what was I writing about? Oh, yes. Sometimes I want to have sex with no strings attached, but that is something I cannot do. Sex/love, it takes a lot out of me. I wouldn't be able to do that without becoming attached. That, I'm sure would have the guy running for his life. Heh.

See how thoughts jump from one thing to another? Mine do anyway.

Quiet equals quiet not smart.

I know I am not smart. Not at all. People always say that it is usually the quiet ones that have a lot to say, or intelligent things to contribute. But I am going to say that is not true. At least in my case it is not. There are such people that are quiet and shy. That doesn't mean they are smart. I am a big dork, and the main reason why I don't say much is because I can say things that are just stupid, and I realize it right after I say it. So, I just don't say a lot. I can be an airhead.

It really upsets me when people say "you were always smart, why don't you..." or "hey, you're smart, figure this out..." and give me something I have absolute no knowledge of. What??? Seriously, I'm not really sure why they think I am smart, if they don't even know me. All they know is that I was this quiet girl at school, who did all her homework and liked to read. It was an escape from... I don't even know what. I guess the "social life." Not that I didn't want to have one, but I would always think why bother, if nothing will come of it. Once someone talks to me and realizes how boring and lifeless I can be they just leave. Also, I was kind of a sociophobe. People frightened me, and especially groups of people.  There were a few friends who I was able to confide in. A couple only actually. They were the ones that stuck around because they were nice, and understanding.

I'm not sure how this posts came about. There's more, but don't want to bore you or myself.

Friday, July 8, 2011

No more Coffee

I've been coffee free, or actually caffeine free, for two weeks now. I've got to tell you that it has been different without it. In a good way. When I had coffee I would feel tired most of the time. I think I had become too dependent. I needed it in the morning and sometimes in the late afternoon. I would have trouble completing my homework in then night because I would feel the crash (big time), and sometimes I wouldn't even complete it. Now, well there is still some trouble completing it because I'm tired, but at least I don't feel the nasty crash, which would barely allow me to keep my eyes open. I also had trouble waking up in the morning, even if I slept six or seven hours. Now, I sleep about the same but I feel good getting up. My body doesn't feel heavy, nor do my eyes. They feel light and ready to do what needs to be done (for the most part anyway).

So the main difference is the tiredness, heaviness, and sleepiness. But I have to say that the hour later that I go in for work helps a lot... I attribute it to the light and darkness. When I wake up at 5, its still kind of dark out and a bit hard to get up. Now I wake up at 6, and its light outside, and easier to get up... not sure if its because of that or the coffee... I stopped drinking coffee when I didn't have to wake up so early. I guess we'll see once I start getting up at 5 again.

I have been so busy lately. I been working seven hours a day, and my son is now staying with me all day and goes with his dad on Sundays. And he doesn't really let me do any class assignments. I am only taking one, and its eight weeks and pretty intense. I already missed three assignments and I'm not sure how I am keeping up with the rest... I haven't really used the book as much as I would like to due to lack of time. Someone should get rid of "time". One thing i will not get rid of sleep... I HAVE to sleep for at least 6 hours. I've already made that a must. I don't know how people have time for work, school, and kids. Kudos to them.