Thursday, March 3, 2011

bunch of scattered thoughts

Help me have or to gather up the strenth that I need to be able to provide my child the needs he needs in order to develop appropriately to be in good not just physical health but emotionally and mentally healthy. I do not want him to be like me. I want him to be able to cope with many things the way I was not able to. I want to give him as much love as I can and as he needs.

Right now I feel like crying because I feel so emotionally unstable. I feel unloveable. I feel awful for being selfish. I do feel so selfish sometimes. I have not done anything to help those people in need. I haven't done a lot to try to get my son into a preschool. What is my problem? There are so many people that don't let any obstacle get in their way of accomplishing what they want, and need, to accomplish.

I am a single mother, that's been established. So what, I have my father who is always 100% with me in the decisions that I decide to make and have made. He is the number one source of support. I only have a part-time job. So what, there are people out there with more than one kid who wish they had a part-time job.

What I need is time management and the ability to follow through with my agenda. Whether I stay up a little late or not shouldn't matter at this time (as long as I get SOME sleep). I feel like a failure. I am twenty five years old and feel like I've done nothing and wasted time. What kind of mother does that make me?

I need more focus. I need a tatoo on my hand that will both remind me and inspire me to not stop. But, I have my son, shouldn't that be enough?

I am so afraid of being a mother. Being a mother is very freightening to me. I am the one responsible for a little one's well being. I am the one responsible for the kind of person my child will become (to a certain extent of course). The reason I've decided to take classes in child development is because of my son. The only reason.
I guess I am not sorry for the things or people I grew up with because that is the reason why I am who I am. However, I also dislike myself in so many ways. I wish that I knew how to deal with my emotions. I wish that I knew how to communicate better. These two, I believe, are the key in being able to not just be socially competent, but happy.

I am still having trouble figuring out why we want to be here. why do we really want to live? What is the meaning of life, my life? That will keep changing as time goes on because of experiences and situations. Why don't we want to die? Why do we want to keep suffering? Why do we want to put ourselves in a world where it seems to be getting stressful, and unsafe, and more difficult to live? I mean, I understand that we don't want species to become extinct, and we do what we can for them to continue. I am having trouble understanding why we do this. We do want to study them, we do want to learn about them, we do want to learn the way other species function, and live. I guess that is why we don't want to become extinct? So we can be studied by "others" later? Or perhaps to see how far we can go.

I am perfectly okay with the idea of dying. I do not want to live forever, I want to die eventually. I don't want to die now ( I have my son and I do not want him to be left with anybody I know or don't know. I only trust myself with him). .. you know, maybe I am not so willing to risk anything. Perhaps that is something i dislike about myself a lot. I think the reason why I don't or am not really willing to take risks is because I am so afraid of being hurt. I don't know how I can convey how much I am afraid. I'm afraid of failing, I'm afraid of hurting poeple, I'm afraid of disapointing, Im afraid of the world? I don't want to be afraid. I want to at least be able to deal with these fears that I have. How do you deal with them? I'll never amount to anything for my son if I don't do something about this.

I wish I can talk to people or become reacquainted with people but I feel like I am a burden to them. Maybe I'm bothering them. I am a very quiet person and because of that some people would just push me aside. There had been a few people who never did that but I was afraid, or am afriad, of it happening that I don't allow myself to become attached. I am quiet, and I do sometimes have a bad memory, but for the most part I am a sweet person who is a good listener, especially when it counts. (I'm going by what people have told me).

I want to say "I blame my mother" but I won't. I am a grown woman and because I am conscious of what she has done then I should be capable to change these ways of mine. But how do you undo years of damage? years of thinking this is normal, thinking that I am alone?

Also, how do you help a person (who by the way, I am terribly afraid of becoming like) if she doesn't want to be helped? Perhaps I just need to get away from things/people like that. I do dislike her so much, and I feel completely guilty about that, I hate myself for not liking, or loving her, the way other people do their own. How can you resolve issues between the two when one is unwilling to confront them? Mother earth, help me.