Thursday, February 17, 2011

Here I go again- In general

Sometimes I wish I didn't care about the things I care about, and care about the things I don't care about. I feel like maybe things would be easier that way. I wish I cared about certain people as much as I should (wish I could love then as much as I should).

There are a few things that make me think that I have PTSD, perhaps I am psychologically troubled, no wait maybe not psychologically but emotionally troubled. Today I felt so awful. I don't want to be complaining. To be honest with you I don't know if it would be complaining or not. There are other things that aren't exactly complaining but just something that needs to be talked about. It is different when you want to talk about it and get it off your chest from complaining. Sometimes people say things just because they want to talk about it and it often times makes one feel better, and some people mistake it for complains. I do that sometimes. But it is completely different.

I think that when you complain it is usually about something that could be fixed but isn't whether it'd be because of lazyness or lack of communication, or whatever. Who knows. But when you talk about things it's to talk about what is and what really can't be changed or would be extremely difficult to change. I don't know.

PTSD could be a realy intense thing and some people can get it because of something that others would consider miniscule. I dislike so much when people say "get over" over something that someone is intensely troubled by. People are different. There are some people who are very resilient and can brush people, or situations, off while there are others who are not resilient at all and can get traumatized by it. Who is to say something is not traumatizing?

These ups and down moods are so upsetting, and what is even more upsetting is that when I know I'm in a down mood I can't do anything about it and it frustrates me. It frustrates me so much that I just drop everything. I seriously don't know what to do when I get like this, I am filled with anger towards myself for not being able to bring myself up, for not being able to "get over" it. I am so impatient with it. I am filled with guilt because I have my son. I always try to put on a happy face for him (and it's so hard, I don't know if I portray myself to be in a good mood or not) but internally I am panicking and at the same time filled with hopelessness.

Most of the time when I am feeling like this I am extra sensitive (I'm already a sensitive person). I wish I wasn't because then I wouldn't let the words or actions from the people that love me (or claim to love me) hurt as much as it does. I wouldn't be afraid of letting them know how I feel. If I wasn't so sensitive I wouldn't let even the lady who drives the bus bring me to tears with a single word.

I feel very frustrated, upset, sad, and guilty. My pole is standing firmly in place, or at least it had been for the past few months, but lately it seems to be swaying like a rubber pole being shaken by an invisible hand.