Monday, May 31, 2010

Fiction- A Work of Art

I just began reading The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami. Actually, I had started reading it about tow years ago, but I only read the first half of the book. For some reason or other I did not finish reading it. I guess I got emotionally busy.

When reading a book, especially a novel, it seems like I immerse myself in it. Have you felt like that? I mean, once you are done reading the book you just feel so in touch with the plot, or the characters, you know what I mean? You connect... that's kind of funny-oddish because it is a work of fiction. Nonetheless writing is an art, and like when one feels emotions and feelings stirring up when looking at a painting, one feels emotions stirring up when reading a novel.

Writing, painting, etc., they are all works of art. Art always makes you feel something. You could feel better, feel understood, feel angry, or feel any type of feeling, but you just feel it. It creates a biochemical reaction as a friend of mine might say.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

I fear I might be falling back. I want to do nothing but lay down, don't want to go out, I just want to binge on food. Not good. Not good at all. I don't want to go back... this house is horrible. I hate living here. I can't wait to get out of here... living here is making me super depressed. Not depressed in a figuratively speaking way, but in a literal depressing feeling way.

People say it is not possible... but it is... there are certain feelings you cannot overcome, at least not as quick as others. I hate thinking so much... it is the cause of insomnia in my opinion. You think too much and you just can't sleep. It's not like you can say "okay stop thinking" and stop thinking. I envy those who can close their eyes and are snoring before they know it. My siblings and mom are like that... lucky them. My dad and I are very much the same in our struggles to sleep. We understand each other in that sense, my mom cannot understand, "just close your eyes and don't think" ... It makes me laugh actually now that I am thinking about it. Nobody really understands another unless he or she is going through the same thing.

Same thing with depression, or other "mental diseases". These thoughts just uncontrollably flood your mind, and you cannot shake them off. Come on, you think people with depression want to feel depressed? You think they want to feel useless, lifeless, and incapable? Of course not, these feelings that one feels can be uncontrolled sometimes.

I haven't gone out for jogs in almost a month, but because of medical reasons (I'll leave it at that), but it has been a little over two weeks now and I believe I can jog now... motivation... I need it... I need someone to jog with, I need someone to talk to, I need someone...

I guess I just feel lonely. I wish my cousins would give me a phone call... I use to be the one to call people... but frankly I am tired of calling people and you know what? I don't think it even matter because nobody calls me. So, I guess nobody really cared about my phone calls... I don't call them no more and they don't even miss my calls. Haha.... god, am I that boring? or what? I'm not fun... I mean, yeah I'm quiet, but does that mean nobody wants to talk to me cause I'm quiet? I don't get it... seriously... I am confused... I don't understand why nobody wants to talk to me, nobody makes the effort to call me. It makes me feel sad and disappointed....

Should I call people? I don't have any friends to call no more and I'm sure they don't care... but my family is something different. I tried calling them, they are nice people, but I feel that they include me out of pity. haha... honestly.... I use to be a part of the group, I use to sleep over and they use to sleep over too... what happened? Well, what happens to every family I guess... everyone always goes their own way. I was always the quiet serious one and they were the goofballs, but nonetheless I had fun with them. I'll try to give them a call again, and see what happens.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Just an Update for now

I feel awful for putting my son in front of the t.v., lately it has been a babysitter...

I do take him to the park at least every other day for about an hour, so he does get his exercise, and I try to play with him, though he is not really interested in playing with anything. He enjoys playing in the park's playground, and I like taking him to this specific park because it is different from the usual go up the steps or ladders, cross the wobbly bridge and slide down the twirly tube playground. This playground has that, but it also has ropes, climbing structures, and ladders that go up about six feet! This ladder goes sideways too, so it is a challenge for kids (my son, surprisingly, can go halfway up, though sometimes he gets stuck... and he'll call me "mami! down, down!" and I don't get him down, but I do help him find his footing, and then once he is down he goes up again and down and up).

It's funny how the process, not simply the act of reaching to the top, but simply the process of going up is fun for him, for all kids. I think even for us it'd be fun... think about it. The process of writing a story, the steps and etc. compared to simply having it written. What fun is that? What about math? Going through the process of solving a math problem versus just simply having an outcome without a process, is different. We go through frustrations and exciting periods as well for both math and writing, as I'm sure for other things. Of course getting to the top for us is it, but the process is what counts, the process is what makes us proud, and excited and happy. .. So, children love the process, the activity of doing it, they have no care about going to the end, because once you get to the end then what? They are proud of themselves, and happy that they climbed up the ladder, even though they went through those frustrations and falls and etc.

Anyway, my son likes playing with other children now and he constantly calls them whenever they are around. "nino ven, ven" (boy, come, come). Oh, he understands both Spanish and English. So, he has fun with them, even if he is not exactly playing with them, but they are together and doing the same thing side by side is fun for him. This is one reason why I want to put him in day care, so he can play with other kids and do various activities. He does not like playing with toys, I have only bought him one toy, all the other toys he has his dad and grandma bought him... does he play with them? No way, I told them not to buy him anything because kids never play with them for more than two days. If anything they need manipulative materials (sand, clay, etc) instead of a toy that makes a sound when you push a button, that does nothing to his brain, no imagination, no problem solving, no stimulation- nothing. I try to get him to play with blocks, but he is not interested. Instead I let him do whatever I am doing. He helps me wash the dishes, he helps me vacuum, he helps me put clothes away. Sometimes I'll put his music dvd... it's hard to find things to do with him, we need time!

He likes me to read to him a lot, if I'm not reading to him he may just grab a book from his basket and sit his little butt right there next to his books and begin to turn the pages and "read". He knows a lot of them from memory already, and sometimes when I'm reading to him he'll read along as well... So, I am glad that he likes to read... sometimes I'll let him take one book with us to wherever we go just incase he starts getting bored while we're riding the bus or something and we'll read there. A few times (this makes me laugh) he has pulled out the book when we are at the park. I take him to play, but he'd rather sit next to me at the bench and have me read to him while he watches the kids play.

I think he'll have fun at the day care center... I know they don't have just toys, they have special things to help them cognitively, and socially and everything else. Well, those are toys... but they are not the regular toys that you see at Toys R Us.

I have been trying to potty train him, and today I had him without any diapers or pull ups... I usually sit him down... but just a few minutes ago I saw him run to the bathroom, pull his little potty thing out, pull down his pants and hold it in front of him. Haha... he wanted to pee like a grown up boy... he has yet to learn to how.

Oh! I finally got a callback... don't want to get too excited... but at least I got a callback and have an interview. Wish me luck. =) .... sorry about all the grammatical errors. 

Monday, May 24, 2010

I have been so busy.
I feel out of touch with the world... seriously I don't know what the heck is going on out there. The world could be ending and I would be clueless.

Semester coming to an end very soon, and I have been job hunting. My mind is blank right now and I have nothing to write about. See you.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

I have a paper that I have to do by tonight, and a project I have to finish by Friday night, and I have my take home final that I have to finish by Saturday morning.

I think I work better under pressure? Well, at least I know that I can concentrate better and without distractions when I know there is something that has to be done as soon as possible.

I have the uncontrollable urge to empty my bladder, that is a justifiable distraction.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

I am stressing out big time. I need to get out of here as soon as possible. I don't know how much of this I can take. Agh! It's been five months already and this is my fourth time looking for a job and filling out applications. I am getting frustrated, why is nobody hiring me? I've even applied to some that don't really require experience, and still! No call backs or anything.

Child care is so expensive. First things' first... job!

Saturday, May 15, 2010

I'm Not Looking

It's Saturday already... I can't sleep.

I promised my son I would make him pancakes. I love that we have breakfast together... well some Saturdays I have it without him because he is still asleep when I'm having it and he usually wakes up right before I leave.

I feel strange and I don't know why.

My stomach is telling me to fill it, and my bladder is telling me to empty it.



I like this song, it always seems to make me feel better, and makes me move my shoulders. Though there is nobody that I can "feel" with this song, there is the possibility of there being someone. 

Love. That is such a weird feeling. Do you think it possible that love can make everything alright? I mean, "all you need is love." I guess, everything that comes along with love. You get along well with a person, there are things about this certain person that makes you grow fond of him/her, and then there is love. You love a person and so you want to make sure this person is taken care of. You want to be there for him, or her, and you want to make him happy, you want to be with him, you want to feel him, you just want his presence. That probably is the first thing that happens when you "fall in love" but then once you are already in love there comes communication, understanding, etc. You just have to... so I guess you COULD say love is all you need, if by love you include everything else. 

Love at first sight, is that possible? Perhaps attractiveness first, then love? I don't like that "love at first sight", or dating either. I like things to happen gradually. I don't think people should be looking because when you look you miss out. That's what I think. And dating is weird and awkward. 

Last Thursday I was at the library looking up books on obesity and someone tapped me on the shoulder and startled me.

"Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt you." It was a guy who seemed to be about twenty six, and the way he was dressed I could tell he was someone who worked for the city. "I see you are busy, but could you tell me what is in that section of the shelf you are looking at?"

"Health and nutrition." I said and turned back to grab a book I was eyeing right before he interrupted me.

"Oh, you're interested in health. I see." He seemed very uncomfortably shy.

"Well, I'm doing a research paper on obesity and children." I was carrying five books now. Thank god for hips.

"Oh, what are you studying for?" He moved closer now.

"Child development."

"Oh, what do you think about this topic you are doing your research on?" He semi-leaned against the bookshelf.

I told him. To be honest I was not interested in talking to anyone, but I did not want to be rude so I asked him what he does.

"I'm working for the city," he said. "Right across the street, I'm just here on my break. Killing time on my break."

"Oh, that's nice." I shifted my books to the right. "What do you do?"

"Engineer for DWP" and he started telling me some projects they were working on. "You are a very interesting person. I would like to talk to you more. Can I have your number?" 

Oh gosh, I did not want to give him my number but he saw the cell in my hand and so I gave it to him, he dialed it and said "save my number" So there he had me saving his number.

Finally he introduced himself, and I to him and we shook hands.

"Do you do martial arts?"

"No, I don't."

"Oh, because the way you carry yourself. You're posture. You are very elegant."

To be honest, I laughed inside. He was hitting on me in a way I have not seen anyone hit on anyone before.

"Oh," I said. I shifted my books again. "Thank you."

"You have some muscle. Do you work out?" He said and gave my arm muscle a squeeze. That was a bit uncomfortable for me, I have this thing about strangers touching me. I drew my arm back a little.

"Not really." I said. He must get this thing from a book. Honestly, all this time I was wondering what book he had read about flirting or hitting on. Caused it seemed rehearsed too, like he practiced what to say, and how to act. 

Then he started talking about how he got the job. Then he started talking about resumes. Then he asked more questions. I told him I had a kid. And he still kept talking.

"You're very interesting person to talk to." Though he really did all the talking. Rehearsed I tell you!

"Well, thanks. Sorry to leave you but I have to get back to my research." I said and lifted up my books a bit. "It was nice talking to you."

"Yeah, it was." He leaned over and hugged me. Awkward. "You are very interesting person. I will call you."

"Okay, I said." Knowing I will not answer.

"We should go out one day."

"Okay," I was looking at the books now. "Call me."

I feel a little bad, perhaps I should have just told him I was busy from the beginning. He has called me five times since then and I have not answered. I am just not interested. I am not looking. 

There is someone I am kind of interested in already, and I'm not looking, that is the nice part, and there are no dates, even better. There are only conversations... I miss this person, I have been so busy and stressed. I am also not ready, I enjoy talking to this person and think about him from time to time... and I definitely do like him, but I am not ready to physically be with someone. 

As wonderful as relationships are, they consume your whole being, which is something I feel I should not do yet. I also need to be set with myself and be happy with myself in order to be with anybody. I don't like the idea of someone making me happy... I use to live by that idea but not anymore... I need to be happy for myself first and then someone to continue making me happy, but not someone to just pick me up and make me happy.

Okay, it's almost two, I should go to sleep.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Well, I found out something, which I cannot and will not say what it is. I will, however, say that it provided me with two choices.

The first choice (which I chose) allowed me to feel in control, and although it is something that I never thought I would do, I did it. It is something that if people found out I did, I will most certainly be looked down at, criticized, shamed, and who knows what else. I do not want people to judge me, I do not want people to say "good girl", all I want is to be able to feel what I am finally feeling right now. It is a bit of a relief, and I can sigh and say I did it, it's done and over with and it is a step into finally being in control of my self, my choices, and basically my life.

The second choice, if I would have chosen it, would have led me back to where I started. That's all I got to say about that one.

On another note, semester is done in two weeks. Oh gosh, I am nervous. I had to drop one class because I was doing bad. I know what I got to do now after the semester, the question is: Where do I start? One step at a time one step at a time... which step comes first? God, I ramble too much....

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Unproductive

I have been very unproductive lately... I have a paper that's due tonight, it's pretty important and I've been trying to work on it, and no I will not blame it on my son because when I'm with him I never try to do anything- it is just impossible- I am blaming it on my inability to fully concentrate and focus on the assignment. My mind wanders off to a different direction and then from there it wanders further and further until I have no idea how the heck I got there. Once I'm there I think "Okay, okay" and shake my head "stop it and focus, back to the paper." I'm not sure how long I sit in front of my laptop trying to think of what to write. We are free to choose a topic from the textbook and expand on it. There is so much to write about- the topic I chose is Childhood Obesity, middle childhood (7-12 years old) to be exact and the effects obesity has on that stage in regards to biosocial development (my paper's focus), cognitive development, and psychosocial development.

Anyway, I'm having trouble focusing, perhaps its just too much stress... You know, I 'm just thinking right now about some other stuff... lately I've been feeling a little dizzy, and my perception has been way off (I reach for the doorknob the second or third try, and when I see a step I miscalculate the depth of it), and sometimes I get these sudden sharp pains of headaches. These headaches just literally come out of nowhere, they do not appear gradually but just sharply and without warning I get a sharp pain on my temples, then as fast as they come they go away (usually last a few minutes or just seconds).... I think it has to be the stress? I've been eating good, haven't I? I am going to buy me some vitamins, maybe I'm lacking some vitamins or something.

I guess I have nothing in particular to blog about except what I've been up to, well not really what I been up to. This post has nothing actually. I already wrote it might as well post it. And blogger will keep it in the archives for me.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Waiting Room

I was going to post some other thing related to the previous post, but I got the sudden urge to write this instead.

She sat in the waiting room, her back tense, her head looking down at her sweaty palms holding each other. The warmth of the women around her and the breaths of the women as they exhaled beside her made her feel like she was suffocating. She leaned forward a little and turned her head towards the receptionist, she was about to open her mouth but saw the hand written: "Air conditioner is out of order" sign. She leaned back and exhaled through her mouth sharply. She wished she had gone to another clinic, or at least made an appointment. Beads of sweat had already formed on her forehead, and were now beginning to trickle down. She looked around her, the other women seemed to be relaxed and not bothered by the lack of air. A couple were looking flushed, but not sweaty. A few were laughing along with the ladies from The View, displayed in the tiny thirteen inch television raised up high on the corner of the room. How they could see that far, she wouldn't know. She seemed to be the only one fazed by the stickiness of her arms and hands, by the sure saltiness of her face-she could taste it every time she licked her dry lips.

Fifteen minutes passed since she first went in.

Her hair was now held up by a rubber band she found buried in her book bag. She wasn't sure how to feel now that her whole face was exposed, with the exceptions of a few hairs that frizzled out by her ears, and a few other above her forehead. She continued to be hot, her palms sweaty, and her face now dry but still salty.

(Too cliche? My son is calling me... I'll finish later.)