Friday, April 30, 2010

Motherly

My mother and I had always clashed. I think I am still resentful. Everything she does, or whatever she says has me practically muttering under my breath. She makes me feel incapable of anything. She makes me feel... I don't know, just not a good feeling. I don't like muttering under my breath, but I don't want to snap at her either. If I bring anything up she'll just get defensive and want to argue. I know how she is, you can never tell her anything because she won't listen, and she won't understand. She will think I am out to get her. Like she feels everybody is if anything is brought up or if nothing is brought up. I think she might have mild paranoia.

There were several things that she has done that has made me very resentful towards her. Have I forgiven her? I know she is my mother and as a mother I know how one feels and how frustrating a child can be (whatever age I'm sure). However, I also know that people need to think before they act, or think things through before they jump to conclusions. There has to be love there, there has to be explanations, there has to be communication from both sides not just one directing the other. There has to be respect towards each other. Being a mother is no excuse for not having to respect your child.

I can tell you that it makes me feel hurt. It upsets me knowing that I always tried to do "good" and it was never enough. I was treated like I was the worst person ever. (I think that is why I always try to please people all the time. That is not good for me, and it must stop because I always seem to go a little out of my way to please these certain people, I feel like I need to. I DON'T HAVE TO.)

I remember she asked me one time: How do you do it?

How do I do what?

How do you know what to do with your son?

What do you mean?

I never knew when to feed you, I only fed you when I was hungry. I never knew what you needed, I never knew anything about what I needed to do with you, how to talk to you, how to do anything for you. When you were a toddler you had anemia, you never told me when you were hungry so I fed you only when I thought you were hungry. When we would go anywhere you never asked me for anything so I would never really give you anything. When you were a teenager you were the same too. You never asked me for expensive sneakers, you never asked me for nice jeans, or anything that was "in" either. I never even thought of asking you what you wanted or what you needed. Perhaps it was just that you weren't a needy child, your sister and brother constantly asked for something, and still do.

Oh.

How do you know what to do? You know what to prepare for his meals, you know what to give him besides just eggs, or just a sandwich. You know how to cook better meals than mine! And they are healthy. You know what he needs. You even give him vitamins. You constantly check to see where he is at. I always let you play anywhere. I think you might be a little overprotective. (then she started rambling on about different things)

That kind of took me aback. I don't know how I know, I just know. It has to do with logic I think. Or perhaps it's a mother's instinct?  The minute he was born I attached him to me like I knew what to do.

A nurse asked me "Is this your second son?".

"No," I said. "My first."

"Wow, well I'm impressed, for being so young and for being your first, you sure know how to hold and attach him to you."

Perhaps I just want my son to have a better mother than I did. I want him to have a better, much better experience. I want him to trust me, I want him to not mutter under his breath (though I'm sure during his teenage years this will be tough), I want him to talk to me, to know that I respect his thoughts, and his opinions. I want us to have a close relationship. That's what I want, and hope he will want.

I will admit that it is difficult, and often times I feel like the worst mother. But, I think I try my best.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Expectations and... I Don't Know

I don't think I did good on my essay exam, I was just too tired to concentrate well enough to be able to grasp what the question was asking, and to be able to determine whether I was making my point or not. I wasn't able to finish the last question.

I've been thinking a lot about what I need to do, what I want to do, and I think I'm thinking ahead more than I should. I know what my short term goal is, not so sure exactly how long it's going to take me to reach it (I'm hoping no more than five years) but I know what I need to do to get there.

I'm afraid... What if I might be wasting my time? I'm afraid I might be trying to do something simply because I am expected to do it. I hate expectations. I don't understand why people expect certain things from me, and I honestly don't know if I can meet those expectations. I believe I don't need to meet those expectations, but why am I so adamant in meeting their expectations?? Why? Perhaps I don't exactly know what I want.

I was "suggested", though persuaded seems like a better term, to go for my child development permit. I know when I was very young I always wanted to be a teacher, then it changed to working with computers because I know I was very good especially with photoshop, internet publishing, etc. Though without practice it has now died. I was always good at math, and I enjoyed it, I am not sure why doing something with math didn't cross my mind until recently.

I was done with high school and I knew that I wanted to write. I was a horrible, and I mean a terrible writer. One of my worsts subjects was English Composition, comprehension and etc. I did not know how to be analytical about any novels, or whatever we were reading. God, I'm just remembering how awful those classes were for me. I always felt stupid, why could I not understand as well as others? Why did it have to take someone to tell me about it in order to understand?

So why did I choose Creative Writing as my major? I don't know. All I know is that I loved reading, I'd always be reading, though analyzing was something completely different. Perhaps I was in love with the idea of me writing.

My second year at UCR was when I began taking creative writing classes. It started with an introduction to it. My stories were horrible... it wasn't until I actually began to read again when I noticed how my writing had improved. My last year was much better.

I am disappointed in myself to be honest. But to be fair, I haven't had time to indulge myself in any hobbies (reading is the main one). The short term goal I have set has nothing to do with writing because right now I can't even concentrate on that. I need to make sure that my son is taken care of, I need to make sure I am making enough money to be able to get myself a car (here it is a necessity, especially with a kid), I also need enough money to move out of here and get my place, a small one bedroom apartment will be fine, or even a studio one will do. I just need to make sure that my son is taken care of. I can only think of putting aside my own needs and take care of him.

Now all I have to do is ignore those expectations that certain people expect of me. Yes, I went to college. No, I will not be making a lot of money. Yes, I will be making enough. No, I will probably not be doing something I completely enjoy or what I wanted to do in the first place. Is it too late? I don't think so, but it definitely is postponed for a much later time.

Sigh.

We All Have Needs

Well, I'm up doing an exam consisting of three essay questions. I did not intentionally click on the link for this page, I meant to click on the assignment link right above it. I wanted to see the questions before I do the assignment tomorrow, now I'm doing the exam and I can't close the window or I won't get another chance to do it and I'll just end up with a zero. I'm sleepy, and the exam is set to a four hour timer. I'm not sure how well I'll do, I'm not even sure if I can keep my eyes open to read the questions. I have done one, but decided to blog something perhaps it will keep me awake a bit.

I was thinking of Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs and how much it makes sense, it is only logical.

The lowest- physiological needs are the basic needs we need in order to be able to move up the ladder- so to speak. The basic needs include food, sleep, shelter, and even sex. This is all basic needs, one cannot survive without these. Perhaps one can survive without sex, however one cannot move up to the second step- safety needs- the needs for security of your personal self (like health), and financial security. Social (including love) needs include your partner, friends, and family members. Esteem needs... pretty self-explanatory. And finally self-actualization when you finally accept yourself, accept the facts, and have just reached self-actualization.

This is not a structure that tells you how to get up there. It merely lists the general steps that one goes through until he or she has reached self-actualization (if he or she even does).

Let me clear it up a little bit about how this actually goes. I know some will say you don't need sex in order to be financially secured. You are right, you don't. However, in order to be able to actually concentrate in the security needs you need to look at the physiological needs. For example, say you are at your job and you work in the office (though it wouldn't really matter where) and you haven't eaten- will you be able to work? Let's say you haven't had sex in a long time, or masturbated in a long time, will you be able to work? Your mind cannot function if you are hungry or if you are thinking of sex.

If a homeless person living in the streets does not have food, or water, how can he or she think about taking care of their health, or getting money? Of course in order to have food one needs to have a job, so this is why it makes sense. They cannot get a job because they are constantly thinking about where they are going to get their next meal from.

One who is barely hanging on and almost poverty level cannot really think about going out with friends, they have to take care of themselves first (and their family if it applies). What bills will have to get paid, how much groceries will they be able to buy, etc.

People who make enough money, or have some sort of income coming in knows that there will be food on the table, knows that they can take care of their health and have a steady income coming in, and even have time to make friends and be with friends. They will also be able to go out with their family to wherever.

Many people make it this far, but not a lot go past the social need. How many people can say they have a good self-esteem, are confident in themselves, have achieved what they have wanted to achieve? Perhaps a bit more than half.

How many people can say they have a firm sense (and have not been changed) of their morals and values? How many people can finally say they don't need predictable lives (and realize they have been living predictable lives) and actually stop living that life and not conform to society's standards? How many people can challenge themselves intellectually? How many people can accept who they are... how many people even know who they are and have a firm belief in themselves... how many people have reached self-actualization?
Not a lot of people have time, or have put time into this. It takes time.

I can say that I am merely at my basic needs. My need for a job does not let me concentrate on my school work sometimes. I am not doing as good as I know I could do, and sometimes I just can't concentrate cause I"m wondering when I"ll get a call from one of the jobs, or whether I'll be able to pay for something I need to pay for.

Oh wow, look at the time. I need to finish my exam.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Dreaming

I had a weird dream last night. I dreamed I was really into this guy, he was taller than me, and had a rough face- not really handsome, but I remember I really liked holding onto him. In my dream we were together night after night after night. For whatever reason, it seemed like the nights were repeating itself.

I would walk to this small bungalow, which was more like the size of a bus. To get there someone had to either pull out a ladder that connects the part where the bungalow was to a part where a three story building was, or walk a very very steep hill with some high heels (I've only worn some heels-and not very high mind you- on rare occasions, but for whatever reason I was wearing high heels here). I believe I always chose to go across the ladder.

When the ladder was connected I didn't have to climb the ladder, but go across it, crawl across it. There seemed to be a gap between this bungalow and the building, as if the street was literally divided and in the gap there was nothing.  This is the way I would get to him, across this ladder. However, I never crossed it. For some mysterious reason I would automatically end up on the bungalow side and see a guy pulling the ladder back in as if I've already crossed it. I stepped inside the bungalow, and there were a gang of guys, perhaps about four or five? Along with this particular guy, who I want to assume is my boyfriend, but I don't know. These guys were nice, but there seemed to be some sort of conflict, I'm not sure what it was or whether it had to do with my boyfriend or not. I wish I could describe the bungalow from inside but I can't remember how it was, it was like stepping into something else, another place with rooms? or it was like stepping into outside with other small bungalows? Hard to describe.

So this would repeat itself, I would be on the other side of the ladder and with a blink of an eye I was at the bungalow side. Always went to my boyfriend, and we always held each other, or slept together. He always wore a blue shirt (that I remember) We didn't really talk, but it was as if holding each other was all we needed.

I don't know how, but all of a sudden I was at a family gathering. I can't remember some stuff that happened, but I do remember the part where I was sitting at a table and I was wearing some boot cut jeans with some high heels, and just a regular blue shirt. My son was across the table from me, eating and saying random stuff.

Then this girl I knew when I was fourteen, but have been out of touch with her is there, was there she was, smiling at me. And guess what, we are together. She seems to be my girlfriend or something.

My cousin who was across the yard (small yard) said "I want to take a picture you guys, ready?"

Hesitating I motioned for this girl to sit on my lap (because there was no chairs available) and she did- smiling, she held on to me from my neck and I felt really awkward.

My cousin took the picture she said "I wonder how that's going to look".

Another older cousin passed by and said "Weird" without looking at anybody or stopping (this cousin doesn't even understand English, but in my dream she did).

Then this girl got up from my lap and went away somewhere. My son came running to me and got on my lap and began smiling at me and chuckling like saying "I like being with you mommy."

I put my face against his head, smelled his hair and gave him a kiss. Doing this I realized, "What am I doing? I'm not a lesbian, I don't want to be with this person" Then it was time to go home and walking to the car I was thinking "How am I going to tell her?"

Weird dream! I'm not even a lesbian. I don't know about "dream interpretations" or anything about that. Though I do believe that the conscious tries to "tell you something." Sometimes you just watch too many scary movies, and you have a scary dream -that just means stop watching scary movies. Haha. Perhaps I am this guy? Or perhaps I am trying to be someone I am not? Perhaps I am trying to hard? That was kind of how I interpreted it because it makes sense with how I have been lately. But who knows.

Yesterday I remember thinking I haven't dreamed in a while. Perhaps my conscious thought "take that then" Haha.

Yesterday I was thinking a lot about who we are, why are we here. I was thinking we are all just bodies that are used by our "conscious" (not sure what word to use) in this physical world. Then the body dies, but you have "experienced" the physical world, not just in this body but other bodies in other lifetimes. I don't know. I was thinking about this yesterday, and a lot of things, too much to write on here. I know it doesn't make sense now, but yesterday it did, in my mind anyway. =)

Monday, April 19, 2010

Let's be Physically Healthy

It's a little funny how people don't really grasp the idea of exercising (in whatever form). In my culture, and in this neighborhood which is predominantly the same culture, if you do not have any meat on you, then you are sick and unhealthy. People, especially guys/men around here want their girls to have some meat. Meat equals healthy, skinny equals unhealthy and possible eating disorder.

Now people understand if there is an overweight person jogging, they want to loose weight. What they don't understand is a skinny person jogging. There are some people who eat badly and they feel it is okay because they walk a lot. I'm sorry, but that's not okay. You need to balance it out. Exercising is only part of being physically healthy (not to mention mentally healthy), but eating nutritionally is also another part.

I know, easier said than done. The hardest part, I believe is finding that motivational factor. That factor will be crucial in beginning the process. The other hard part is keeping up that motivation. I'm not sure what mine is, but whatever it is I need to get it back, I've been missing it for over two weeks.

Another thing I wanted to say about the people from the neighborhood:
I can understand where they are coming from, I think. I mean, the people here come from mostly poor places, they are immigrants and one of the reasons that they came to the United States was because of the poor conditions they lived in in their home country. They wanted something better. For a lot of the people, food showed how well taken care of they were. If you were skinny you were probably poor and not taken care of. If you have lots of meat on you, then you are very well taken care of and very healthy. A lot of these people don't know the reality of this. Grandparents and parents want to stuff their grandchildren and children with food to compensate for the low quantity of food that they themselves had available. In doing this they really are harming the child, and themselves.

It has been stressed and stressed, and I don't think it can be stressed enough: childhood health and nutrition is very necessary and important in order for them to be able to live a healthy life as adults. Not eating right from the beginning can have devastating consequences as adults. There is nothing wrong with being a little over your "normal" weight, or having some meat on you. I really don't think there is, heck I want some meat equally distributed over my body. However, my body type does not allow that. Anyway, it is about being healthy. What comes along with unhealthy eating choices? Well besides obesity, there is high blood pressure, higher risk of stroke at an earlier age, high cholesterol, etc. That is only the physical part. There is also the emotional part.

There is nothing wrong with eating something you don't usually eat every now and then =) I know I do, lately I've been making poor eating choices though. Gotta keep myself up. I know that being in a good mental and emotional state helps me in terms of the choices I make, and finding the motivation I need to be active. I think that being physically healthy goes together with being mentally, or emotionally healthy.

There is so much more to being healthy (physically, mentally, emotionally) now as adults and it would be too much to cover here. I will save that for another time.

Friday, April 16, 2010

I've been falling behind on assignments. Oh gosh, just about two weeks ago I was fine and even a head in one of the classes, now I'm behind  in a couple of the classes. There is a project that is due Saturday (tomorrow), which I thought was due the next Saturday, but no! So it's Friday night, and I might have to pull an all nighter. I've done it before, but it's been a while.

It's been difficult for me to concentrate on my classes, on my kid, and on whatever it is I'm doing.

My son's dad has been acting pretty scary lately. I hope he is just doing it to scare me into going back with him. Though I am a little scared, I kind of think he is bluffing and he won't do anything. He is just frustrated, but I am not going back with him.

I feel a little bad, especially because I know that his mom hopes that we will be able to mend whatever is going on. She doesn't really know what's up but a few things that I've told her. I did not go into complete detail with her about what had been happening. She blames me and feels that I never loved her son, and that is why I left, but at the same time she wants us together. Weird... well she is a mother and she just wants her son to be happy, I guess. Everybody thinks that I just up and left, nobody knows what happened, there are some people that have some suspicious thoughts, but they don't know anything. Nobody does, so I can understand why I would be to blame. Perhaps I am for letting things go as far as they did?

Sometimes I think, would it really be better to just get back with him? For the sake of our son? For the sake of his? I feel awful just thinking that I will cause pain to either of them. However, I also think that it will be better for our son in the long run, rather than having to see us together acting the way we'd be acting towards each other and him seeing his dad... well.... seeing him the way he is.

As for his dad, I start to think about all those other times when he had no consideration not only for me, but for our son. I remember when I would wait for up to three hours for him, sometimes in the night, sometimes at a place where I had absolutely nothing to do but just sit and wait like an idiot. One of the times was when I was pregnant... he would also drag me along to wherever he would go, and we'd be walking... walking walking walking and rushing it rushing it... sure a little walking isn't so bad, but I was always so tired, I don't know how I managed to walk so much, and how the hell did I manage to wait so long? That is why waiting is one of the biggest pet peeves I have. If you are not there in five minutes, forget it I'm fucking gone. If you say you will be there in ten, I'm gone at a second past ten. He would always say "Ill be there in twenty", and when was he there? two, three hours later.  And what did I do? Fuck, man I hated myself so much, I think I might still hate myself.

Just thinking about all that stuff and what a damn idiot I was. I was so stupid... Ugh. I let myself be manipulated, I let myself be put down, and feel like if I was an awful person. I allowed myself to think that this person was right, and that I was wrong, I was the reason why he did what he did, if something went wrong it was because of me.... There is just so many, so many ... I mean countless times that I allowed myself to be dragged down, to be stepped on. I thought he was a good person, and I still think he is, but he just was not to me. I really loved him? Did I really? Why? Why? I was reading my old posts from an old blog I had and I thought, how the hell was I "happy" with this piece of whatever? How??

Thinking right now, I still think myself an awful person. It is not so much as before, I admit that something extremely heavy has been lifted off of my shoulders. Though I can still feel the pressure of it- what is left of it. I feel ugly, I feel puny, I feel disgusting, I feel used, I feel stupid, I feel cowardly, I feel ashamed, I feel ...... angry.... at myself. Angry for not having had enough courage to have left earlier, angry because I had to bring my son into this world- nasty world- and he won't even have both of his parents together, angry because ..... well I cannot say this last thing. But I am fucking angry and all of the above shit.

Ugh! I finally let a little out... A little is a step... sorry for the nasty words... I never cuss, but.... well you know.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Trash, Methane... Recycle

Today was trash day. I was walking to the library this morning and I started thinking about the landfills. Can you imagine all those landfills, both the ones that are currently being used and the ones that are no longer in use, leaking so much methane into the environment? It is definitely the number one source of methane. Just in California there are over 2,200 landfills (both active and inactive).

If there were companies that made packaging easier for recyclable purposes, or better yet from recycled materials it would help out some. For example, there are some packaging materials from, lets say potato chips that are aluminum inside, paper outside, and then over the paper there is plastic. And all this is mushed together, difficult to recycle different materials when they are like this.

Think about all those fast food restaurants too, all the paper or plastic cups, plates, to go boxes; all the plastic eating utensils; all those little bags of ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise; and paper or plastic bags. When customers are done eating they just throw it away in the trash. They should make some regulations for this. They should have bins for recycling and bins for trash. You know what they (let's say McDonald's) should also do... they should have their own recycling operations. They should recycle and use their own recyclable materials. I don't know much about how you recycle and all that technical stuff but they could look into that.

I use to work for the city in a recycling program. We'd go from door to door giving out information and talking to people about recycling, and why it is important to do so. I would always get frustrated when people did not want to listen. They'd shut the door on our faces, or like this one time this man took the pamphlet, took a quick glance at the front and threw it on the ground. Ugh. That was frustrating. There were some very understanding people though who wanted to know about this and always asked questions about what could be recycled and what could not.

We also had to check the recycling bins on a few streets when it was trash day for statistical purposes. How many people actually recycled, how many people recycled the right way, and etc. It was a little disappointing to be honest. Our supervisor, seeing this, began telling us to tell the people that the city will start to issue citations if they do not recycle right. It was a lie, but he wanted to give them something in order for them to act. He wanted them to really think about this because many didn't care that the landfills are filling up fast, they  didn't care that pretty soon there will not be any more room inside the earth to fill up more landfills. We are filling the earth with trash, with methane releasing trash, then what's going to happen? Anyway, back to what I was saying... yeah once we started telling people that the city will be giving tickets for not recycling properly people's eyes would bulge and then they started asking questions. They don't care about landfills or the earth- if it's not directly hurting them they don't care- but being cited was a big deal for them. I recently found out that they are now citing people for not recycling properly (for putting trash in the blue bin) isn't that nice. They also will not empty their blue bins if it has trash because then that will defeat the whole purpose of recycling and all those other recyclable materials will not be recyclable anymore. These materials need to be as clean as possible to be able to be recycled.

People are interested in practicality more than what is right for the environment. People are interested in making their lives easier now. I do not blame them, but I do think that even a little helps. I try, but I am ashamed to admit that practicality wins many times.  It is too late to reverse damage, it will take a long time for the earth to heal, but by making some changes we can at least buy some time- for those who believe that the civilization should continue.

If there is something I should know, tell me. Always good to learn something new.

Raw Lemon Juice Therapy/Diet

My skin is looking bad and I'm breaking out bad. Ugh. I noticed when I was doing the raw lemon juice "diet" as someone I know calls it my skin wasn't so bad, it cleaned me pretty good inside. I was told that it was suppose to help me clear my mind, but I guess I wasn't on it as long as I should have been to feel the affects of it.

I'm going to start this again, as soon as I get some lemons. It's rich in Vitamin C, it helps clean the kidneys and digestive system, and helps getting rid of toxins. It definitely helped me with the digestive system, I'll tell you that. It is suppose to clear your mind, improve concentration and all that. I was kind of feeling this, though I ran out of lemons and did not continue. Damn laziness. It won't happen now, I just gotta get lots and lots of lemons.

It helps improve sleep too, in particular: insomnia. I will tell you that this is true from my experience. I guess it all depends when you drink it and what you do after. This person forgot to mention that I wasn't suppose to exercise, and I had drank a small glass of it about an hour before I went jogging. I fell asleep quick, I did not wake up once, and I slept for eight hours. The only thing was that I felt sleepy the whole next day. I'm going to play around with the time I drink it and the jogging, and see how that goes. Though he told me not to exercise, but we'll see. I mean I haven't gone for a jog, I should have done this during this time.

So, about five to six lemons in a glass. Pure, raw lemon juice, freshly squeezed. I will keep you posted how that goes.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

.....

I'm feeling sad tonight, and I feel like crying... where are the tears? I remember three months ago I would have been able to cry. I would have been able to let the tears flow down when I was walking down the street, when I was cleaning at the shop, when I was scrubbing those floors clean. My eyes would get watery and I'd almost loose it, I had to scrub harder and keep myself busy with other things to stop from crying in front of everybody.

It's late, my son is asleep, I'm feeling the need to cry... Why can't I cry?? I want to get over it. I do.  I thought I was doing good this week, I felt fine, but right now I just got hit with sadness, and the need to just cry. Maybe all those times I tucked in those feelings away are so far away, they will be hard to reach and make them surface.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Cold and Hyperthermia

So, I've been reading Cold, though I haven't had much time I do try to read a little every now and then. I am only on page fifty, but it is pretty interesting. I am learning some interesting stuff. More than I did in Masters of Sex, though I am still curious to how they conducted this sex research "in the name of science". Anyway, stuff that is mentioned and I still want to learn more about are hyperthermia, frostbite, hibernation, and caterpillars that live in the Arctic and are able to live by freezing then thawing and then repeating this for a decade or more (how interesting is that). 

I know about these but I like how he goes into more detail about it. He talks about the tissue freezing, ice crystals forming between the cells and then inside the cells, protein breaking down, the flesh dying, the body's core temperature, blood thickening, and etc. He tells details, but I want to know more detailed. So, as I'm reading I'm making a list of what I want to know more about in more detail. It is all very interesting actually. =] I'm glad I turned the other book in and traded it in for this book. 

One thing that stuck out was the School Children's Blizzard that the author (Streever) mentions. It happened in 1888 and it swept through the middle of the US. Temperatures dropped in some places eighteen degrees in less than five minutes! Can you imagine? And add the windchill to that. The blizzard lasted for over three days and when it was over there were cattle frozen in place. People frozen in place, some huddled together (they had to be thawed to separate them). Most of the people that died were children (hence the name of the blizzard). One girl crawled under a haystack and stayed there until the storm was over, she was accompanied by mice who started to get hungry and began nibbling her. Her feet and legs froze (frostbite). She was not able to be saved and died. There were some people who were found without clothes. Hyperthermia, he explained, will change your core temperature. When your core temperature is very low and the person is just about to die the blood goes to the heart and brain and then there is "delirium" and a burning sensation in the skin, a sensation of smothering heat. Hmmm, I want to read more about this, a little more detailed.

Well, that's all for now. I think it is time to sleep.

p.s. what would this be considered? Physics?

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Quizzes, Readings, Money, Random blah

I'm at the library right now taking care of some reading and assignments. I wanted to go out for a jog tonight, but I don't think that's going to be possible. I have a three hour quiz, and a two hour quiz to do and the library's wireless connection is sucking big time, so I'm going to have to wait till I get home to do that. I had done three quizzes before and one of them the connection was cut off and guess what? The instructor did not allow me to do it again. I understand. I mean, she did say that we only had one attempt, so once we open the page we cannot close it. The other my computer shut down, again she said no more attempts because before that she had allowed me to do one quiz again, but no more.

So the recession is said to be officially over, though I'm sure we will not feel it for a little while. I know I felt it when it was here. Before, I always got the first job I applied for- instantly. This time around when I tried to apply, there were absolutely no callbacks. I applied to various jobs, about three times and no call backs. Now, I'm trying again. Let's see what happens.

I need money for some dvm stuff, my CD permit, and I owe some money to the bank. I'm going to have to ask my parents to loan me some money (god, I hate asking them for money) because I don't want this to affect my record. The money that I owe was not even used by me, but by my son's dad (I refuse to refer to him as my husband). He used my card to pay for something he was late on. He overdrew and then there were overdraft fees and late fees. Ugh. I asked him to give me some money to pay the bank, but he does not even have any. I cannot rely on him, so I'm going to have to do it myself.

I said I was going to dedicate today to myself and immerse myself in these emotions but I can't today. My son's dad took too long to pick him up. He was about four hours late, of course no surprise there. I don't feel "down" today but I do feel distracted. By what? Well that is for another time. Too much to write... got to get back to my readings. Break is over.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Fever

I don't think I'll be sleeping tonight... my son has a fever, a very high fever. I want to make sure I keep checking his temperature and breathing... I always fear my son getting fevers. In his 2 years and four months of living he has only gotten a temperature when he was teething. He has never gotten sick, the closest thing was a very very mild cough. So you can guess how I am feeling now that he has a high fever. Also, whenever I think of fevers I think of my little cousin who died ten years ago. He was only six years old when he died. He stayed home from school because he had a fever and was feeling sick. His oldest brother who was about eighteen was home with him. He was letting him rest and sleep, and then he went to check up on him and noticed something different: his breathing. He shook him slightly and called his name. No response but a groan. Again. Nothing... That is what I think of when I think of children and fevers. I know that is not always the case, but I also know that lots of children die due to the flu.... and I know he does not have the flu, so there has to be something else.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Talking / Thinking to Myself

I feel absolutely horrible. I haven't felt good in a long time. By good I mean enjoying what I have in front of me and being happy with what I have so far and being able to see my goal clearly. Or maybe life is just slapping me in the face and saying "here I am don't enjoy me." Well, whatever it is I don't like it.

My days have been okay. I feel I am in a liminal space... in everything. I am neither part of this world nor the other. I don't fit in with anyone, nor within myself. I am not the old person I use to be, but I am not quite this new person I am becoming (which I don't know yet).

I am just so completely confused. I want to break out of it. I want to slap myself in the face and say "Karina, you are okay. Karina, everybody goes through this and you are going through it now. Karina, get the hell up. Karina, go outside- take your son out. Karina, take your son to go visit his family. Karina, Karina, Karina. What are you doing? Where are you going? What are you thinking about? Well, I am thinking about a lot of things. I am thinking about how there are a lot of people that expect certain and many things from me, and I am afraid I feel I will not be myself if I do provide whatever they expect from me. I am also afraid of letting those people down. I want to take my son and leave them all behind, and say "bye, don't worry we'll visit" and just leave. I want to do what I want to do and when I want. I sound like a brat, but that is how I feel. I want to be selfish. I want to say "screw you everybody, I'm taking care of my needs now." Just thinking about that makes me feel like breaking down. Why can't I just say that??? Why can't I just focus on myself and not worry about anybody else? Is it because of my son? Perhaps... I have been thinking about that. Perhaps I feel  there are certain things that I need to do for my son, and if that includes having to meet those expectations then maybe I need to do it? God, I need help. Hahaha...

I can't go out for a jog tonight, so I am going to sweat a little in my room. Maybe it'll help me clear up my mind a bit, and get me nice and tired, and sore.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Nothing

I've got absolutely nothing to blog about today, nothing has been going on that is out of the ordinary. The only thing that is good is that my sleep has improved a little. I'm able to sleep throughout the night now, usually five or six hours, but I don't wake up once, so that is good.

My mind is absolutely blank right now. How sad, I don't know what to write about. Haha. I thought I'd just update the blog just for the sake of updating.

Hope I have something to update about soon, or at least blog about.