Thursday, November 25, 2010

the blood of christ

Happy thanksgiving.

I feel sooo damn lonely, but I know I am to blame, I mean there had been opportunities (not many, but a couple) but I don't know why I really don't want to take a chance. I get so nervous, scared, and I just think the worst. Perhaps with some time I will feel better, and be able to be friendlier. I hate that I think about the worst of myself rather than the good. I'm glad of a lot of things, but I can easily list the others. I complain too much. I need to stop. But if I don't complain in here who will I complain to? Complaining can be very therapeutic.

I need someone. I need someone to make me feel better, a friend.

I haven't drank alchol since I found out I was pregnant, so that was like almost four years ago. I've never drank wine other than white wine and didn't like it. I only drank liquor mixed with something, and beer. My parents bought a wine at the local supermarket, so I am drinking $5 merlot- blackberry flavor. It's okay.

Wine, the smell of it and the taste of it always reminds me of "the blood of christ". So right now I am thinking of the times I went up when I was seven, and eight years old to take the body and blood of christ. I had my first comunion about three months before i turned eight. I can hardly remember it. I hardly remember the times I went up. Not many times. I remember taking the body of christ, this round thing the priest held up in front of me while mumbling something I cant remember, while I open my mouth waiting for it. Sometimes (depending on the priest) he would place it on my hands and I would place it on my tongue amazed and enjoying the way it dissolved so fast. Even faster when I took a sip of the wine. Wine from the same cup everyone placed their lips on. After one took a sip it would be wiped with a a thick white cloth (which by the way was never refolded or rotated to use a side which did not wipe)  and rotated so another side would be placed on a nother set of lips until eventually someone touched a wiped set of lips. I stopped going up when I was about ten, I kinda stopped going to church when I was ten. The times that I did go would be with my family, or actually it would be only with my father, and he would be upset when I didnt want to go. So, I went just to please him. I don't remember ever confessing, not even when I was going to do my first comunion. Did I? Maybe I just don't remember. What does a seven year old have to confess about? The time I lied to my mom about taking a fruit punch she bought to class when I accidently dropped it going up the stairs making the plastic container break and the punch spill? The times I was bossy to my cousins? The times I fought with my cousins? What?

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

work... dreams... writing

Hello there, I hope everyone is breathing and eating well.

It has been very busy for me these past couple of months. I was able to get a job finally, at a preschool, it's not full time but right now I will take anything. I enjoy being with little ones so much. It just saddens me that I cannot put my own son in there. It is a privately owned preschool and thus too expensive. Every single day I am there I think about my son. The children are around his age, they run around in circles for no reason at all, they squeal out of delight, and they are so terribly adorable. I hope I am able to find a school for him soon, he is almost three and is finally potty trained, so I should have no trouble in finding a place I'm sure, just have to make sure it is close to home or the preschool.

These past two weeks I have been waking up tired, and feeling like I didn't get enough sleep. Sometimes some part of my body's muscle aches. I don't know whether I'm right or not, but I attribute it to my nightmares/dreams. Every single night I have been having strange dreams, some are night mares. Some are a continuation of other dreams I've had before, dreams of dreaming, conscious of dreaming, and others are just never ending loops where I redo a day over and over again. I die, then wake up and have to find a way to "escape" soemthing, and then I end up dying, and then I have to redo it again. What frustrates me is not being able to vividly remember my dreams. I remember when I wake up, but then it goes away.

It has been so long since I've written anything, here or anywhere else. I hate that. I am disapointed in myself because I love to write! But the job, the classes, and my little one keeps me so busy! Also, my laptop broke down on me about three months ago. Yikes. Now I will be able to finally get it fixed. I am currently using my sisters laptop- who lent it to me for an assignment I had to do. Which is done. Now it is time to sleep. I hope I will be able to keep this up for at least once a week. I hate not writing in here. Sometimes I write in my notebook but it is a little different because my handwriting is not as fast as my typing and my thoughts run so fast i can't keep up, typing is just easier for me.

Okay, that is all for now. Time to sleep. Oh gosh, excuse my spelling and grammer.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

I am so nervous about tomorrow. I have to go to court in Riverside and testify against someone.... I am so nervous... I am dreading it sooo much. I can't even think about what I am going to say, I can't think about that day... I mean, I can think of it, but I am having trouble bringing it to the front of my mind... the attorney told me to be prepared for his questions as well as the other attorney's questions....  details details and details, and especially timing with details. Ugh. ... but at least after tomorrow I don't have to think about it anymore .

Monday, August 16, 2010

I have been having major writer's block. I can't even write in here... it took me like what two months to put up a post in here. But here I am begining to try to get rid of it.

Me and hot weather really don't mix. Summer days always make me feel unproductive, overexhausted, moody, and other things. To top it off this house is like an oven- trapping the heat inside.
I noticed about two years ago that the direct heat from the sun kind of gives me a bit of a heat rash, though it's not really extreme, it comes in small patches only on certain places: the bend of my right elbow, the lower back of my neck, the front-neck bone... looks very pinkish. I have to wear clothes that cover that part so it won't burn or itch. So now I overheat fast. Nasty stuff. Only when it's hot so I don't always have this. Good.

I don't know what else to write.
I hope everybody is spending their summer days being nice and cool in an air-conditioned place.

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

I feel completely confused. I really do. I feel confused, lost, and I don't know what else about everything. I also feel stupid and silly. I also feel angry. Damn, what the hell is my problem...

I think I have a mild case of depression. Does that even exists? There are days when I feel completely depressed and hopeless. I don't want to get up, I don't want to do anything, all I want to do is sleep. I spend most of my time thinking, and not in the present world. My eating habits have been fluctuating. I either binge on food or hardly eat a thing, Then there are other days where I feel so good and just as I am beginning to feel hopefull there I come down again. I hope these awful feelings quit soon. I do try to not let the down days get to me, I really try hard to get up. I look at my son and I just feel completely awful and guilty and just so close to literally beat myself up. I think my son helps me a bit in trying hard not to be so down.

Maybe it's just me, maybe I'm just being immature? Ugh!!

I know it's been a long time since I written in here. I still want to keep this blog, but it's just been so difficult to... I guess figure out myself.

I do hope everybody is doing good!

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Wow, I think this is the longest I've gone without writing in here. I write here at least twice a week. It's been more than a week now!

I haven't been here and I don't mean that I've been busy.. or in a literal sense.

For about two weeks now I seem to be gone, and I'm not sure when I'll be back. I don't even know if I really will be back. Perhaps I've been gone all this time and now I'm feeling the transition of coming back. I don't know. There are things that have become more clear, and there are things that have muddied. There are things that feel that are at the tip of my tongue. I can almost reach it and feel it, but I'm not quite there.

I know this doesn't make any sense to you. You probably have no idea what I mean by this. But, I do. I feel I must write it down and have it archived for later. Why? I'm not sure. There are things you just need to do and can't explain.

That's all I can say about that. I know this seems kind of weird- me not being here. But I'm really not here. I cannot explain it in a way for it to make sense.

Strangely enough I've been having lots and lots of dreams, sometimes three in a single night. I hadn't had frequent dreams in a while. Now, it's at least once a night.

I hope the words will come to me later.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

From a Fly's Perspective

I'm finally done with The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle. Sunday I read for five hours nonstop (with the exception of a quick snack and a few trips to the bathroom-I drink a lot of water). I had to take advantage of my son not being here. When I have him I can't read unless he is taking a nap or already asleep, and sometimes even then I can't read cause there are other things I gotta take care of. Anyway, Monday night I was done with the last pages.

After I reached the halfway mark on it, it started reading differently. It seemed to me anyway. Not sure how to describe it but there were far fewer pages where the main character appeared, at least until the end when he would went into the "other world"... I was so fascinated by the book and eager to finish it, I kept reading to find out what happens next, and now that I have I'm sorry it's over.
This is a book that I will definitely read again sometimes in the future. I'm not sure what to say about it, other than I enjoyed it and it was strange, but strange in a good way... it was metafictiony.

Now moving on to something else.

I was on the bus when something came to me. I remembered a couple of things from my entomology class. The only two things I remember from that class. One was about praying mantis, and the other was about flies.
I'll leave the praying mantis for another time.

The fly sees things completely differently than we do. They can see the light the way it really is shining down. Our eyes cannot see the way the light is working but go to the light switch and turn your lights on and off, on and off. We can see this but this is what is happening in reality when the light is on. Our eyes cannot see it, but the flies can. Isn't that interesting. They can see every single motion that goes into a motion. Why do you think it is so hard for many to kill, or squash a fly. Even with a flyswatter it is a little difficult. It is as if they are a step ahead of us. Imagine how one second for us is more than one second for a fly.

I wonder, if we would see things the way a fly sees things (a motion), would we define "time" differently? Is it really time, or is it motion/actions. Things happen because of an act, or a series of motions, that one does. If we did not do that act things would have been differently. One thing will determine what happens next. Time does not determine what happens next. "Only time will tell". Time tells nothing, it is what happens during that "time" that will "tell" what comes next. A series of events, a series of motions. I don't think I am explaining myself well.

We define "time" according to ourselves, as humans- the way we see it. Imagine how differently it would be defined by a fly!

In order for something to decompose certain things happen during that process- it is not time. In order for us to get a job, certain things must be done, because time will certainly not say okay you've done nothing far enough here is a job. No way. So, I guess time is really nothing more but what is used to measure? Measure perhaps motion? Measure certain frames of motion? Measure age? Does time really exist, or is it really just something used to, like I said, measure certain frames of motion? Time is really just there to make some stuff easier for us. Not sure how to explain what I'm trying to say... but I'm sure you've thought about this too.

Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Job hunting update

So, the interview on Saturday went okay. The director/owner didn't really interview me. She asked questions that had yes or no answers. Are you willing to...? Are you looking for...? Those sort of questions, questions to see if I was okay with what they were "offering" as a job.

She made me fill out nothing, she is somewhat desperate to find someone to help, one of her teachers went on maternity leave and at the end decided not to come back. Now, she has found out that her other four teachers are pregnant as well. How funny is that, like they all decided to get pregnant. Who knows.

Anyway, I got another call back on Monday. I went this morning to the school and found out that it is brand new, so they only have five children. Two of which are the owner's twins.

The lady from Saturday did NOT read my email. Shame on her, still I think I might be a good possibility. She did tell me that she is making a bit of financial suicide and when I told her my salary expectations she seemed a bit relieved? I think the salary is good considering I have no recent experience in this field.

I HOPE the lady from this school read my whole email. She was busy today so I didn't get much chance to speak with her, but I was able to spend the morning with the children and the teacher, till lunch time.

What I am hoping even MORE is (if I get hired) putting my son in this school, since it is brand new there is no waiting list like the other one.

I think I'll be alright... well I'm off for now.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

From Gruesome War Scenes to Sex and Feeling Detached from Yourself (Murakami's Novel)

So, I've read up to about page two-hundred in The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle and it is going pretty good. I had began reading this about two or three years ago, but never finished it. Reading it again now I am remembering how I felt reading this novel. I was so entranced, and so fully emerged into the novel that I began to feel very much like the main character of the novel: Toru. I began to do things in a mechanical manner. My mind was not there. I knew what I was doing and my body was there, but I really wasn't there doing what I was doing, if that makes sense. I'm not sure how to explain it, but it was as if my mind was going faster than my brain. My mind was able to grasp things before my brain can actually process it and understand. It was as if I was looking at myself from outside. I was detached from my body but able to do what I had to do, without really doing it. Like if I was a main character of a boring novel, but I was also the narrator. I was able to see my thoughts before me (my body/brain) really be able to understand. I can't make too much sense of it now, but it made complete sense when I thought of it then.

The novel has some gruesome war scenes. Horrible ones. If you think a movie can be gruesome, you are wrong. I think the written ones are more gruesome because we can see it in our minds detail by detail as it is being described- there is not much omission (at least not from this author- Murakami). In this novel you can see the most smallest detail- a grain of sand even- and that is what makes it even more gruesome. Movies tend to cut out some stuff, and others give you a more general scene where they let the audience "get the picture" without really getting the picture.

The novel begins with Toru making spaghetti for breakfast, and receiving a phone call from a lady he cannot recall ever meeting but who says that she knows him, and who says that ten minutes is all they need to "understand each other" (or have phone sex). There is a thread of sex looming over Toru's thoughts through the novel (what I have read so far), and he keeps encountering this subject frequently.

With the gruesome scenes, the sex, and the boring main character, the novel so far is very intriguing. Everything that happens in the novel is happening around the main character without it happening directly to him. All the stories that we hear are about some other characters in the novel- characters we meet only briefly and characters whom we never met but know about because they are mentioned. Toru just happens to know and hear about the characters and the stories at the same time that we-the readers- find out.

It is a very strange book, and I am liking it so far. =)

Thursday, June 3, 2010

People Watching

There was nothing special about today, nothing that stood out. I don't have a car, so wherever I go, I go by feet, bus, and rail (if I had a bicycle I'd go by that too). Which actually is not that bad. I enjoy having time to myself. I enjoy using that time to read, or to people watch.

Because it's a Thursday, my son was gone, and I had nothing better to do than to go to Pasadena. I went on the rail to check out where my interview is going to be on Saturday. I don't want to get lost after all. It took about thirty minutes to get there on the rail, and then I had to go for a fifteen minute walk. Not too bad, it was just too damn hot. I hate hot weather. Anyway, I enjoyed that walk-despite the hot sun burning some color into my exposed skin.

I noticed something: everybody was walking with someone, whether it'd be literally walking with someone or be on the phone with someone. There was not one single person walking alone, or just taking a walk for the sake of taking a walk, or taking a walk to be alone with your thoughts.

I walked through Colorado Blvd. passed by the shops with the huge glass windows, and glanced inside quickly. Obviously the sales people inside the clothing shops are not allowed to be on their cell phones. I wonder how they feel when the shops are empty, and they are done organizing and doing everything else, and they have nothing to do. Do they sneak a phone call? Do they take that opportunity to chat with their fellow workers? What do they think about? Do they think about what they're going to do after work? Do they think about who they are going to call after work? I wonder how comfortable some people feel being alone with their thoughts. I know there are some people who do not feel comfortable at all, and you can tell who those people are by how fidgety and restless they get when they are not texting or talking on the phone. Often times I see people with their cell phone practically attached to their ear as their hands are occupied with monotonous, and mechanical hand movements required to closing a store (can you imagine one of them forgetting to put the lock).

I crossed a street and a man who was just done talking on his cell phone crossed from the other side. He saw me, I saw him and was about to give him a hello-smile when he quickly turned his eyes somewhere else, unsure of where to look he brought the cell phone up to his face.

People seem to want to avoid contact with strangers. I am not necessarily one of them, I don't mind people talking to me, I enjoy listening. What I mind is people asking me questions because I never know the answer to their questions, or better yet I don't know how to phrase the answers in a way to leave them satisfied. Most are never satisfied with my answers, they give me an unsure "oh". Perhaps it is just me who doesn't know how to talk to people... I know one thing: I am fairly able to express myself, my thoughts and my feelings, through writing. =)

Okay, it is time to read!

Monday, May 31, 2010

Fiction- A Work of Art

I just began reading The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle by Haruki Murakami. Actually, I had started reading it about tow years ago, but I only read the first half of the book. For some reason or other I did not finish reading it. I guess I got emotionally busy.

When reading a book, especially a novel, it seems like I immerse myself in it. Have you felt like that? I mean, once you are done reading the book you just feel so in touch with the plot, or the characters, you know what I mean? You connect... that's kind of funny-oddish because it is a work of fiction. Nonetheless writing is an art, and like when one feels emotions and feelings stirring up when looking at a painting, one feels emotions stirring up when reading a novel.

Writing, painting, etc., they are all works of art. Art always makes you feel something. You could feel better, feel understood, feel angry, or feel any type of feeling, but you just feel it. It creates a biochemical reaction as a friend of mine might say.

Thursday, May 27, 2010

I fear I might be falling back. I want to do nothing but lay down, don't want to go out, I just want to binge on food. Not good. Not good at all. I don't want to go back... this house is horrible. I hate living here. I can't wait to get out of here... living here is making me super depressed. Not depressed in a figuratively speaking way, but in a literal depressing feeling way.

People say it is not possible... but it is... there are certain feelings you cannot overcome, at least not as quick as others. I hate thinking so much... it is the cause of insomnia in my opinion. You think too much and you just can't sleep. It's not like you can say "okay stop thinking" and stop thinking. I envy those who can close their eyes and are snoring before they know it. My siblings and mom are like that... lucky them. My dad and I are very much the same in our struggles to sleep. We understand each other in that sense, my mom cannot understand, "just close your eyes and don't think" ... It makes me laugh actually now that I am thinking about it. Nobody really understands another unless he or she is going through the same thing.

Same thing with depression, or other "mental diseases". These thoughts just uncontrollably flood your mind, and you cannot shake them off. Come on, you think people with depression want to feel depressed? You think they want to feel useless, lifeless, and incapable? Of course not, these feelings that one feels can be uncontrolled sometimes.

I haven't gone out for jogs in almost a month, but because of medical reasons (I'll leave it at that), but it has been a little over two weeks now and I believe I can jog now... motivation... I need it... I need someone to jog with, I need someone to talk to, I need someone...

I guess I just feel lonely. I wish my cousins would give me a phone call... I use to be the one to call people... but frankly I am tired of calling people and you know what? I don't think it even matter because nobody calls me. So, I guess nobody really cared about my phone calls... I don't call them no more and they don't even miss my calls. Haha.... god, am I that boring? or what? I'm not fun... I mean, yeah I'm quiet, but does that mean nobody wants to talk to me cause I'm quiet? I don't get it... seriously... I am confused... I don't understand why nobody wants to talk to me, nobody makes the effort to call me. It makes me feel sad and disappointed....

Should I call people? I don't have any friends to call no more and I'm sure they don't care... but my family is something different. I tried calling them, they are nice people, but I feel that they include me out of pity. haha... honestly.... I use to be a part of the group, I use to sleep over and they use to sleep over too... what happened? Well, what happens to every family I guess... everyone always goes their own way. I was always the quiet serious one and they were the goofballs, but nonetheless I had fun with them. I'll try to give them a call again, and see what happens.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Just an Update for now

I feel awful for putting my son in front of the t.v., lately it has been a babysitter...

I do take him to the park at least every other day for about an hour, so he does get his exercise, and I try to play with him, though he is not really interested in playing with anything. He enjoys playing in the park's playground, and I like taking him to this specific park because it is different from the usual go up the steps or ladders, cross the wobbly bridge and slide down the twirly tube playground. This playground has that, but it also has ropes, climbing structures, and ladders that go up about six feet! This ladder goes sideways too, so it is a challenge for kids (my son, surprisingly, can go halfway up, though sometimes he gets stuck... and he'll call me "mami! down, down!" and I don't get him down, but I do help him find his footing, and then once he is down he goes up again and down and up).

It's funny how the process, not simply the act of reaching to the top, but simply the process of going up is fun for him, for all kids. I think even for us it'd be fun... think about it. The process of writing a story, the steps and etc. compared to simply having it written. What fun is that? What about math? Going through the process of solving a math problem versus just simply having an outcome without a process, is different. We go through frustrations and exciting periods as well for both math and writing, as I'm sure for other things. Of course getting to the top for us is it, but the process is what counts, the process is what makes us proud, and excited and happy. .. So, children love the process, the activity of doing it, they have no care about going to the end, because once you get to the end then what? They are proud of themselves, and happy that they climbed up the ladder, even though they went through those frustrations and falls and etc.

Anyway, my son likes playing with other children now and he constantly calls them whenever they are around. "nino ven, ven" (boy, come, come). Oh, he understands both Spanish and English. So, he has fun with them, even if he is not exactly playing with them, but they are together and doing the same thing side by side is fun for him. This is one reason why I want to put him in day care, so he can play with other kids and do various activities. He does not like playing with toys, I have only bought him one toy, all the other toys he has his dad and grandma bought him... does he play with them? No way, I told them not to buy him anything because kids never play with them for more than two days. If anything they need manipulative materials (sand, clay, etc) instead of a toy that makes a sound when you push a button, that does nothing to his brain, no imagination, no problem solving, no stimulation- nothing. I try to get him to play with blocks, but he is not interested. Instead I let him do whatever I am doing. He helps me wash the dishes, he helps me vacuum, he helps me put clothes away. Sometimes I'll put his music dvd... it's hard to find things to do with him, we need time!

He likes me to read to him a lot, if I'm not reading to him he may just grab a book from his basket and sit his little butt right there next to his books and begin to turn the pages and "read". He knows a lot of them from memory already, and sometimes when I'm reading to him he'll read along as well... So, I am glad that he likes to read... sometimes I'll let him take one book with us to wherever we go just incase he starts getting bored while we're riding the bus or something and we'll read there. A few times (this makes me laugh) he has pulled out the book when we are at the park. I take him to play, but he'd rather sit next to me at the bench and have me read to him while he watches the kids play.

I think he'll have fun at the day care center... I know they don't have just toys, they have special things to help them cognitively, and socially and everything else. Well, those are toys... but they are not the regular toys that you see at Toys R Us.

I have been trying to potty train him, and today I had him without any diapers or pull ups... I usually sit him down... but just a few minutes ago I saw him run to the bathroom, pull his little potty thing out, pull down his pants and hold it in front of him. Haha... he wanted to pee like a grown up boy... he has yet to learn to how.

Oh! I finally got a callback... don't want to get too excited... but at least I got a callback and have an interview. Wish me luck. =) .... sorry about all the grammatical errors. 

Monday, May 24, 2010

I have been so busy.
I feel out of touch with the world... seriously I don't know what the heck is going on out there. The world could be ending and I would be clueless.

Semester coming to an end very soon, and I have been job hunting. My mind is blank right now and I have nothing to write about. See you.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

I have a paper that I have to do by tonight, and a project I have to finish by Friday night, and I have my take home final that I have to finish by Saturday morning.

I think I work better under pressure? Well, at least I know that I can concentrate better and without distractions when I know there is something that has to be done as soon as possible.

I have the uncontrollable urge to empty my bladder, that is a justifiable distraction.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

I am stressing out big time. I need to get out of here as soon as possible. I don't know how much of this I can take. Agh! It's been five months already and this is my fourth time looking for a job and filling out applications. I am getting frustrated, why is nobody hiring me? I've even applied to some that don't really require experience, and still! No call backs or anything.

Child care is so expensive. First things' first... job!

Saturday, May 15, 2010

I'm Not Looking

It's Saturday already... I can't sleep.

I promised my son I would make him pancakes. I love that we have breakfast together... well some Saturdays I have it without him because he is still asleep when I'm having it and he usually wakes up right before I leave.

I feel strange and I don't know why.

My stomach is telling me to fill it, and my bladder is telling me to empty it.



I like this song, it always seems to make me feel better, and makes me move my shoulders. Though there is nobody that I can "feel" with this song, there is the possibility of there being someone. 

Love. That is such a weird feeling. Do you think it possible that love can make everything alright? I mean, "all you need is love." I guess, everything that comes along with love. You get along well with a person, there are things about this certain person that makes you grow fond of him/her, and then there is love. You love a person and so you want to make sure this person is taken care of. You want to be there for him, or her, and you want to make him happy, you want to be with him, you want to feel him, you just want his presence. That probably is the first thing that happens when you "fall in love" but then once you are already in love there comes communication, understanding, etc. You just have to... so I guess you COULD say love is all you need, if by love you include everything else. 

Love at first sight, is that possible? Perhaps attractiveness first, then love? I don't like that "love at first sight", or dating either. I like things to happen gradually. I don't think people should be looking because when you look you miss out. That's what I think. And dating is weird and awkward. 

Last Thursday I was at the library looking up books on obesity and someone tapped me on the shoulder and startled me.

"Oh, I'm sorry to interrupt you." It was a guy who seemed to be about twenty six, and the way he was dressed I could tell he was someone who worked for the city. "I see you are busy, but could you tell me what is in that section of the shelf you are looking at?"

"Health and nutrition." I said and turned back to grab a book I was eyeing right before he interrupted me.

"Oh, you're interested in health. I see." He seemed very uncomfortably shy.

"Well, I'm doing a research paper on obesity and children." I was carrying five books now. Thank god for hips.

"Oh, what are you studying for?" He moved closer now.

"Child development."

"Oh, what do you think about this topic you are doing your research on?" He semi-leaned against the bookshelf.

I told him. To be honest I was not interested in talking to anyone, but I did not want to be rude so I asked him what he does.

"I'm working for the city," he said. "Right across the street, I'm just here on my break. Killing time on my break."

"Oh, that's nice." I shifted my books to the right. "What do you do?"

"Engineer for DWP" and he started telling me some projects they were working on. "You are a very interesting person. I would like to talk to you more. Can I have your number?" 

Oh gosh, I did not want to give him my number but he saw the cell in my hand and so I gave it to him, he dialed it and said "save my number" So there he had me saving his number.

Finally he introduced himself, and I to him and we shook hands.

"Do you do martial arts?"

"No, I don't."

"Oh, because the way you carry yourself. You're posture. You are very elegant."

To be honest, I laughed inside. He was hitting on me in a way I have not seen anyone hit on anyone before.

"Oh," I said. I shifted my books again. "Thank you."

"You have some muscle. Do you work out?" He said and gave my arm muscle a squeeze. That was a bit uncomfortable for me, I have this thing about strangers touching me. I drew my arm back a little.

"Not really." I said. He must get this thing from a book. Honestly, all this time I was wondering what book he had read about flirting or hitting on. Caused it seemed rehearsed too, like he practiced what to say, and how to act. 

Then he started talking about how he got the job. Then he started talking about resumes. Then he asked more questions. I told him I had a kid. And he still kept talking.

"You're very interesting person to talk to." Though he really did all the talking. Rehearsed I tell you!

"Well, thanks. Sorry to leave you but I have to get back to my research." I said and lifted up my books a bit. "It was nice talking to you."

"Yeah, it was." He leaned over and hugged me. Awkward. "You are very interesting person. I will call you."

"Okay, I said." Knowing I will not answer.

"We should go out one day."

"Okay," I was looking at the books now. "Call me."

I feel a little bad, perhaps I should have just told him I was busy from the beginning. He has called me five times since then and I have not answered. I am just not interested. I am not looking. 

There is someone I am kind of interested in already, and I'm not looking, that is the nice part, and there are no dates, even better. There are only conversations... I miss this person, I have been so busy and stressed. I am also not ready, I enjoy talking to this person and think about him from time to time... and I definitely do like him, but I am not ready to physically be with someone. 

As wonderful as relationships are, they consume your whole being, which is something I feel I should not do yet. I also need to be set with myself and be happy with myself in order to be with anybody. I don't like the idea of someone making me happy... I use to live by that idea but not anymore... I need to be happy for myself first and then someone to continue making me happy, but not someone to just pick me up and make me happy.

Okay, it's almost two, I should go to sleep.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Well, I found out something, which I cannot and will not say what it is. I will, however, say that it provided me with two choices.

The first choice (which I chose) allowed me to feel in control, and although it is something that I never thought I would do, I did it. It is something that if people found out I did, I will most certainly be looked down at, criticized, shamed, and who knows what else. I do not want people to judge me, I do not want people to say "good girl", all I want is to be able to feel what I am finally feeling right now. It is a bit of a relief, and I can sigh and say I did it, it's done and over with and it is a step into finally being in control of my self, my choices, and basically my life.

The second choice, if I would have chosen it, would have led me back to where I started. That's all I got to say about that one.

On another note, semester is done in two weeks. Oh gosh, I am nervous. I had to drop one class because I was doing bad. I know what I got to do now after the semester, the question is: Where do I start? One step at a time one step at a time... which step comes first? God, I ramble too much....

Saturday, May 8, 2010

Unproductive

I have been very unproductive lately... I have a paper that's due tonight, it's pretty important and I've been trying to work on it, and no I will not blame it on my son because when I'm with him I never try to do anything- it is just impossible- I am blaming it on my inability to fully concentrate and focus on the assignment. My mind wanders off to a different direction and then from there it wanders further and further until I have no idea how the heck I got there. Once I'm there I think "Okay, okay" and shake my head "stop it and focus, back to the paper." I'm not sure how long I sit in front of my laptop trying to think of what to write. We are free to choose a topic from the textbook and expand on it. There is so much to write about- the topic I chose is Childhood Obesity, middle childhood (7-12 years old) to be exact and the effects obesity has on that stage in regards to biosocial development (my paper's focus), cognitive development, and psychosocial development.

Anyway, I'm having trouble focusing, perhaps its just too much stress... You know, I 'm just thinking right now about some other stuff... lately I've been feeling a little dizzy, and my perception has been way off (I reach for the doorknob the second or third try, and when I see a step I miscalculate the depth of it), and sometimes I get these sudden sharp pains of headaches. These headaches just literally come out of nowhere, they do not appear gradually but just sharply and without warning I get a sharp pain on my temples, then as fast as they come they go away (usually last a few minutes or just seconds).... I think it has to be the stress? I've been eating good, haven't I? I am going to buy me some vitamins, maybe I'm lacking some vitamins or something.

I guess I have nothing in particular to blog about except what I've been up to, well not really what I been up to. This post has nothing actually. I already wrote it might as well post it. And blogger will keep it in the archives for me.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Waiting Room

I was going to post some other thing related to the previous post, but I got the sudden urge to write this instead.

She sat in the waiting room, her back tense, her head looking down at her sweaty palms holding each other. The warmth of the women around her and the breaths of the women as they exhaled beside her made her feel like she was suffocating. She leaned forward a little and turned her head towards the receptionist, she was about to open her mouth but saw the hand written: "Air conditioner is out of order" sign. She leaned back and exhaled through her mouth sharply. She wished she had gone to another clinic, or at least made an appointment. Beads of sweat had already formed on her forehead, and were now beginning to trickle down. She looked around her, the other women seemed to be relaxed and not bothered by the lack of air. A couple were looking flushed, but not sweaty. A few were laughing along with the ladies from The View, displayed in the tiny thirteen inch television raised up high on the corner of the room. How they could see that far, she wouldn't know. She seemed to be the only one fazed by the stickiness of her arms and hands, by the sure saltiness of her face-she could taste it every time she licked her dry lips.

Fifteen minutes passed since she first went in.

Her hair was now held up by a rubber band she found buried in her book bag. She wasn't sure how to feel now that her whole face was exposed, with the exceptions of a few hairs that frizzled out by her ears, and a few other above her forehead. She continued to be hot, her palms sweaty, and her face now dry but still salty.

(Too cliche? My son is calling me... I'll finish later.)

Friday, April 30, 2010

Motherly

My mother and I had always clashed. I think I am still resentful. Everything she does, or whatever she says has me practically muttering under my breath. She makes me feel incapable of anything. She makes me feel... I don't know, just not a good feeling. I don't like muttering under my breath, but I don't want to snap at her either. If I bring anything up she'll just get defensive and want to argue. I know how she is, you can never tell her anything because she won't listen, and she won't understand. She will think I am out to get her. Like she feels everybody is if anything is brought up or if nothing is brought up. I think she might have mild paranoia.

There were several things that she has done that has made me very resentful towards her. Have I forgiven her? I know she is my mother and as a mother I know how one feels and how frustrating a child can be (whatever age I'm sure). However, I also know that people need to think before they act, or think things through before they jump to conclusions. There has to be love there, there has to be explanations, there has to be communication from both sides not just one directing the other. There has to be respect towards each other. Being a mother is no excuse for not having to respect your child.

I can tell you that it makes me feel hurt. It upsets me knowing that I always tried to do "good" and it was never enough. I was treated like I was the worst person ever. (I think that is why I always try to please people all the time. That is not good for me, and it must stop because I always seem to go a little out of my way to please these certain people, I feel like I need to. I DON'T HAVE TO.)

I remember she asked me one time: How do you do it?

How do I do what?

How do you know what to do with your son?

What do you mean?

I never knew when to feed you, I only fed you when I was hungry. I never knew what you needed, I never knew anything about what I needed to do with you, how to talk to you, how to do anything for you. When you were a toddler you had anemia, you never told me when you were hungry so I fed you only when I thought you were hungry. When we would go anywhere you never asked me for anything so I would never really give you anything. When you were a teenager you were the same too. You never asked me for expensive sneakers, you never asked me for nice jeans, or anything that was "in" either. I never even thought of asking you what you wanted or what you needed. Perhaps it was just that you weren't a needy child, your sister and brother constantly asked for something, and still do.

Oh.

How do you know what to do? You know what to prepare for his meals, you know what to give him besides just eggs, or just a sandwich. You know how to cook better meals than mine! And they are healthy. You know what he needs. You even give him vitamins. You constantly check to see where he is at. I always let you play anywhere. I think you might be a little overprotective. (then she started rambling on about different things)

That kind of took me aback. I don't know how I know, I just know. It has to do with logic I think. Or perhaps it's a mother's instinct?  The minute he was born I attached him to me like I knew what to do.

A nurse asked me "Is this your second son?".

"No," I said. "My first."

"Wow, well I'm impressed, for being so young and for being your first, you sure know how to hold and attach him to you."

Perhaps I just want my son to have a better mother than I did. I want him to have a better, much better experience. I want him to trust me, I want him to not mutter under his breath (though I'm sure during his teenage years this will be tough), I want him to talk to me, to know that I respect his thoughts, and his opinions. I want us to have a close relationship. That's what I want, and hope he will want.

I will admit that it is difficult, and often times I feel like the worst mother. But, I think I try my best.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Expectations and... I Don't Know

I don't think I did good on my essay exam, I was just too tired to concentrate well enough to be able to grasp what the question was asking, and to be able to determine whether I was making my point or not. I wasn't able to finish the last question.

I've been thinking a lot about what I need to do, what I want to do, and I think I'm thinking ahead more than I should. I know what my short term goal is, not so sure exactly how long it's going to take me to reach it (I'm hoping no more than five years) but I know what I need to do to get there.

I'm afraid... What if I might be wasting my time? I'm afraid I might be trying to do something simply because I am expected to do it. I hate expectations. I don't understand why people expect certain things from me, and I honestly don't know if I can meet those expectations. I believe I don't need to meet those expectations, but why am I so adamant in meeting their expectations?? Why? Perhaps I don't exactly know what I want.

I was "suggested", though persuaded seems like a better term, to go for my child development permit. I know when I was very young I always wanted to be a teacher, then it changed to working with computers because I know I was very good especially with photoshop, internet publishing, etc. Though without practice it has now died. I was always good at math, and I enjoyed it, I am not sure why doing something with math didn't cross my mind until recently.

I was done with high school and I knew that I wanted to write. I was a horrible, and I mean a terrible writer. One of my worsts subjects was English Composition, comprehension and etc. I did not know how to be analytical about any novels, or whatever we were reading. God, I'm just remembering how awful those classes were for me. I always felt stupid, why could I not understand as well as others? Why did it have to take someone to tell me about it in order to understand?

So why did I choose Creative Writing as my major? I don't know. All I know is that I loved reading, I'd always be reading, though analyzing was something completely different. Perhaps I was in love with the idea of me writing.

My second year at UCR was when I began taking creative writing classes. It started with an introduction to it. My stories were horrible... it wasn't until I actually began to read again when I noticed how my writing had improved. My last year was much better.

I am disappointed in myself to be honest. But to be fair, I haven't had time to indulge myself in any hobbies (reading is the main one). The short term goal I have set has nothing to do with writing because right now I can't even concentrate on that. I need to make sure that my son is taken care of, I need to make sure I am making enough money to be able to get myself a car (here it is a necessity, especially with a kid), I also need enough money to move out of here and get my place, a small one bedroom apartment will be fine, or even a studio one will do. I just need to make sure that my son is taken care of. I can only think of putting aside my own needs and take care of him.

Now all I have to do is ignore those expectations that certain people expect of me. Yes, I went to college. No, I will not be making a lot of money. Yes, I will be making enough. No, I will probably not be doing something I completely enjoy or what I wanted to do in the first place. Is it too late? I don't think so, but it definitely is postponed for a much later time.

Sigh.

We All Have Needs

Well, I'm up doing an exam consisting of three essay questions. I did not intentionally click on the link for this page, I meant to click on the assignment link right above it. I wanted to see the questions before I do the assignment tomorrow, now I'm doing the exam and I can't close the window or I won't get another chance to do it and I'll just end up with a zero. I'm sleepy, and the exam is set to a four hour timer. I'm not sure how well I'll do, I'm not even sure if I can keep my eyes open to read the questions. I have done one, but decided to blog something perhaps it will keep me awake a bit.

I was thinking of Abraham Maslow's hierarchy of needs and how much it makes sense, it is only logical.

The lowest- physiological needs are the basic needs we need in order to be able to move up the ladder- so to speak. The basic needs include food, sleep, shelter, and even sex. This is all basic needs, one cannot survive without these. Perhaps one can survive without sex, however one cannot move up to the second step- safety needs- the needs for security of your personal self (like health), and financial security. Social (including love) needs include your partner, friends, and family members. Esteem needs... pretty self-explanatory. And finally self-actualization when you finally accept yourself, accept the facts, and have just reached self-actualization.

This is not a structure that tells you how to get up there. It merely lists the general steps that one goes through until he or she has reached self-actualization (if he or she even does).

Let me clear it up a little bit about how this actually goes. I know some will say you don't need sex in order to be financially secured. You are right, you don't. However, in order to be able to actually concentrate in the security needs you need to look at the physiological needs. For example, say you are at your job and you work in the office (though it wouldn't really matter where) and you haven't eaten- will you be able to work? Let's say you haven't had sex in a long time, or masturbated in a long time, will you be able to work? Your mind cannot function if you are hungry or if you are thinking of sex.

If a homeless person living in the streets does not have food, or water, how can he or she think about taking care of their health, or getting money? Of course in order to have food one needs to have a job, so this is why it makes sense. They cannot get a job because they are constantly thinking about where they are going to get their next meal from.

One who is barely hanging on and almost poverty level cannot really think about going out with friends, they have to take care of themselves first (and their family if it applies). What bills will have to get paid, how much groceries will they be able to buy, etc.

People who make enough money, or have some sort of income coming in knows that there will be food on the table, knows that they can take care of their health and have a steady income coming in, and even have time to make friends and be with friends. They will also be able to go out with their family to wherever.

Many people make it this far, but not a lot go past the social need. How many people can say they have a good self-esteem, are confident in themselves, have achieved what they have wanted to achieve? Perhaps a bit more than half.

How many people can say they have a firm sense (and have not been changed) of their morals and values? How many people can finally say they don't need predictable lives (and realize they have been living predictable lives) and actually stop living that life and not conform to society's standards? How many people can challenge themselves intellectually? How many people can accept who they are... how many people even know who they are and have a firm belief in themselves... how many people have reached self-actualization?
Not a lot of people have time, or have put time into this. It takes time.

I can say that I am merely at my basic needs. My need for a job does not let me concentrate on my school work sometimes. I am not doing as good as I know I could do, and sometimes I just can't concentrate cause I"m wondering when I"ll get a call from one of the jobs, or whether I'll be able to pay for something I need to pay for.

Oh wow, look at the time. I need to finish my exam.

Friday, April 23, 2010

Dreaming

I had a weird dream last night. I dreamed I was really into this guy, he was taller than me, and had a rough face- not really handsome, but I remember I really liked holding onto him. In my dream we were together night after night after night. For whatever reason, it seemed like the nights were repeating itself.

I would walk to this small bungalow, which was more like the size of a bus. To get there someone had to either pull out a ladder that connects the part where the bungalow was to a part where a three story building was, or walk a very very steep hill with some high heels (I've only worn some heels-and not very high mind you- on rare occasions, but for whatever reason I was wearing high heels here). I believe I always chose to go across the ladder.

When the ladder was connected I didn't have to climb the ladder, but go across it, crawl across it. There seemed to be a gap between this bungalow and the building, as if the street was literally divided and in the gap there was nothing.  This is the way I would get to him, across this ladder. However, I never crossed it. For some mysterious reason I would automatically end up on the bungalow side and see a guy pulling the ladder back in as if I've already crossed it. I stepped inside the bungalow, and there were a gang of guys, perhaps about four or five? Along with this particular guy, who I want to assume is my boyfriend, but I don't know. These guys were nice, but there seemed to be some sort of conflict, I'm not sure what it was or whether it had to do with my boyfriend or not. I wish I could describe the bungalow from inside but I can't remember how it was, it was like stepping into something else, another place with rooms? or it was like stepping into outside with other small bungalows? Hard to describe.

So this would repeat itself, I would be on the other side of the ladder and with a blink of an eye I was at the bungalow side. Always went to my boyfriend, and we always held each other, or slept together. He always wore a blue shirt (that I remember) We didn't really talk, but it was as if holding each other was all we needed.

I don't know how, but all of a sudden I was at a family gathering. I can't remember some stuff that happened, but I do remember the part where I was sitting at a table and I was wearing some boot cut jeans with some high heels, and just a regular blue shirt. My son was across the table from me, eating and saying random stuff.

Then this girl I knew when I was fourteen, but have been out of touch with her is there, was there she was, smiling at me. And guess what, we are together. She seems to be my girlfriend or something.

My cousin who was across the yard (small yard) said "I want to take a picture you guys, ready?"

Hesitating I motioned for this girl to sit on my lap (because there was no chairs available) and she did- smiling, she held on to me from my neck and I felt really awkward.

My cousin took the picture she said "I wonder how that's going to look".

Another older cousin passed by and said "Weird" without looking at anybody or stopping (this cousin doesn't even understand English, but in my dream she did).

Then this girl got up from my lap and went away somewhere. My son came running to me and got on my lap and began smiling at me and chuckling like saying "I like being with you mommy."

I put my face against his head, smelled his hair and gave him a kiss. Doing this I realized, "What am I doing? I'm not a lesbian, I don't want to be with this person" Then it was time to go home and walking to the car I was thinking "How am I going to tell her?"

Weird dream! I'm not even a lesbian. I don't know about "dream interpretations" or anything about that. Though I do believe that the conscious tries to "tell you something." Sometimes you just watch too many scary movies, and you have a scary dream -that just means stop watching scary movies. Haha. Perhaps I am this guy? Or perhaps I am trying to be someone I am not? Perhaps I am trying to hard? That was kind of how I interpreted it because it makes sense with how I have been lately. But who knows.

Yesterday I remember thinking I haven't dreamed in a while. Perhaps my conscious thought "take that then" Haha.

Yesterday I was thinking a lot about who we are, why are we here. I was thinking we are all just bodies that are used by our "conscious" (not sure what word to use) in this physical world. Then the body dies, but you have "experienced" the physical world, not just in this body but other bodies in other lifetimes. I don't know. I was thinking about this yesterday, and a lot of things, too much to write on here. I know it doesn't make sense now, but yesterday it did, in my mind anyway. =)

Monday, April 19, 2010

Let's be Physically Healthy

It's a little funny how people don't really grasp the idea of exercising (in whatever form). In my culture, and in this neighborhood which is predominantly the same culture, if you do not have any meat on you, then you are sick and unhealthy. People, especially guys/men around here want their girls to have some meat. Meat equals healthy, skinny equals unhealthy and possible eating disorder.

Now people understand if there is an overweight person jogging, they want to loose weight. What they don't understand is a skinny person jogging. There are some people who eat badly and they feel it is okay because they walk a lot. I'm sorry, but that's not okay. You need to balance it out. Exercising is only part of being physically healthy (not to mention mentally healthy), but eating nutritionally is also another part.

I know, easier said than done. The hardest part, I believe is finding that motivational factor. That factor will be crucial in beginning the process. The other hard part is keeping up that motivation. I'm not sure what mine is, but whatever it is I need to get it back, I've been missing it for over two weeks.

Another thing I wanted to say about the people from the neighborhood:
I can understand where they are coming from, I think. I mean, the people here come from mostly poor places, they are immigrants and one of the reasons that they came to the United States was because of the poor conditions they lived in in their home country. They wanted something better. For a lot of the people, food showed how well taken care of they were. If you were skinny you were probably poor and not taken care of. If you have lots of meat on you, then you are very well taken care of and very healthy. A lot of these people don't know the reality of this. Grandparents and parents want to stuff their grandchildren and children with food to compensate for the low quantity of food that they themselves had available. In doing this they really are harming the child, and themselves.

It has been stressed and stressed, and I don't think it can be stressed enough: childhood health and nutrition is very necessary and important in order for them to be able to live a healthy life as adults. Not eating right from the beginning can have devastating consequences as adults. There is nothing wrong with being a little over your "normal" weight, or having some meat on you. I really don't think there is, heck I want some meat equally distributed over my body. However, my body type does not allow that. Anyway, it is about being healthy. What comes along with unhealthy eating choices? Well besides obesity, there is high blood pressure, higher risk of stroke at an earlier age, high cholesterol, etc. That is only the physical part. There is also the emotional part.

There is nothing wrong with eating something you don't usually eat every now and then =) I know I do, lately I've been making poor eating choices though. Gotta keep myself up. I know that being in a good mental and emotional state helps me in terms of the choices I make, and finding the motivation I need to be active. I think that being physically healthy goes together with being mentally, or emotionally healthy.

There is so much more to being healthy (physically, mentally, emotionally) now as adults and it would be too much to cover here. I will save that for another time.

Friday, April 16, 2010

I've been falling behind on assignments. Oh gosh, just about two weeks ago I was fine and even a head in one of the classes, now I'm behind  in a couple of the classes. There is a project that is due Saturday (tomorrow), which I thought was due the next Saturday, but no! So it's Friday night, and I might have to pull an all nighter. I've done it before, but it's been a while.

It's been difficult for me to concentrate on my classes, on my kid, and on whatever it is I'm doing.

My son's dad has been acting pretty scary lately. I hope he is just doing it to scare me into going back with him. Though I am a little scared, I kind of think he is bluffing and he won't do anything. He is just frustrated, but I am not going back with him.

I feel a little bad, especially because I know that his mom hopes that we will be able to mend whatever is going on. She doesn't really know what's up but a few things that I've told her. I did not go into complete detail with her about what had been happening. She blames me and feels that I never loved her son, and that is why I left, but at the same time she wants us together. Weird... well she is a mother and she just wants her son to be happy, I guess. Everybody thinks that I just up and left, nobody knows what happened, there are some people that have some suspicious thoughts, but they don't know anything. Nobody does, so I can understand why I would be to blame. Perhaps I am for letting things go as far as they did?

Sometimes I think, would it really be better to just get back with him? For the sake of our son? For the sake of his? I feel awful just thinking that I will cause pain to either of them. However, I also think that it will be better for our son in the long run, rather than having to see us together acting the way we'd be acting towards each other and him seeing his dad... well.... seeing him the way he is.

As for his dad, I start to think about all those other times when he had no consideration not only for me, but for our son. I remember when I would wait for up to three hours for him, sometimes in the night, sometimes at a place where I had absolutely nothing to do but just sit and wait like an idiot. One of the times was when I was pregnant... he would also drag me along to wherever he would go, and we'd be walking... walking walking walking and rushing it rushing it... sure a little walking isn't so bad, but I was always so tired, I don't know how I managed to walk so much, and how the hell did I manage to wait so long? That is why waiting is one of the biggest pet peeves I have. If you are not there in five minutes, forget it I'm fucking gone. If you say you will be there in ten, I'm gone at a second past ten. He would always say "Ill be there in twenty", and when was he there? two, three hours later.  And what did I do? Fuck, man I hated myself so much, I think I might still hate myself.

Just thinking about all that stuff and what a damn idiot I was. I was so stupid... Ugh. I let myself be manipulated, I let myself be put down, and feel like if I was an awful person. I allowed myself to think that this person was right, and that I was wrong, I was the reason why he did what he did, if something went wrong it was because of me.... There is just so many, so many ... I mean countless times that I allowed myself to be dragged down, to be stepped on. I thought he was a good person, and I still think he is, but he just was not to me. I really loved him? Did I really? Why? Why? I was reading my old posts from an old blog I had and I thought, how the hell was I "happy" with this piece of whatever? How??

Thinking right now, I still think myself an awful person. It is not so much as before, I admit that something extremely heavy has been lifted off of my shoulders. Though I can still feel the pressure of it- what is left of it. I feel ugly, I feel puny, I feel disgusting, I feel used, I feel stupid, I feel cowardly, I feel ashamed, I feel ...... angry.... at myself. Angry for not having had enough courage to have left earlier, angry because I had to bring my son into this world- nasty world- and he won't even have both of his parents together, angry because ..... well I cannot say this last thing. But I am fucking angry and all of the above shit.

Ugh! I finally let a little out... A little is a step... sorry for the nasty words... I never cuss, but.... well you know.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Trash, Methane... Recycle

Today was trash day. I was walking to the library this morning and I started thinking about the landfills. Can you imagine all those landfills, both the ones that are currently being used and the ones that are no longer in use, leaking so much methane into the environment? It is definitely the number one source of methane. Just in California there are over 2,200 landfills (both active and inactive).

If there were companies that made packaging easier for recyclable purposes, or better yet from recycled materials it would help out some. For example, there are some packaging materials from, lets say potato chips that are aluminum inside, paper outside, and then over the paper there is plastic. And all this is mushed together, difficult to recycle different materials when they are like this.

Think about all those fast food restaurants too, all the paper or plastic cups, plates, to go boxes; all the plastic eating utensils; all those little bags of ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise; and paper or plastic bags. When customers are done eating they just throw it away in the trash. They should make some regulations for this. They should have bins for recycling and bins for trash. You know what they (let's say McDonald's) should also do... they should have their own recycling operations. They should recycle and use their own recyclable materials. I don't know much about how you recycle and all that technical stuff but they could look into that.

I use to work for the city in a recycling program. We'd go from door to door giving out information and talking to people about recycling, and why it is important to do so. I would always get frustrated when people did not want to listen. They'd shut the door on our faces, or like this one time this man took the pamphlet, took a quick glance at the front and threw it on the ground. Ugh. That was frustrating. There were some very understanding people though who wanted to know about this and always asked questions about what could be recycled and what could not.

We also had to check the recycling bins on a few streets when it was trash day for statistical purposes. How many people actually recycled, how many people recycled the right way, and etc. It was a little disappointing to be honest. Our supervisor, seeing this, began telling us to tell the people that the city will start to issue citations if they do not recycle right. It was a lie, but he wanted to give them something in order for them to act. He wanted them to really think about this because many didn't care that the landfills are filling up fast, they  didn't care that pretty soon there will not be any more room inside the earth to fill up more landfills. We are filling the earth with trash, with methane releasing trash, then what's going to happen? Anyway, back to what I was saying... yeah once we started telling people that the city will be giving tickets for not recycling properly people's eyes would bulge and then they started asking questions. They don't care about landfills or the earth- if it's not directly hurting them they don't care- but being cited was a big deal for them. I recently found out that they are now citing people for not recycling properly (for putting trash in the blue bin) isn't that nice. They also will not empty their blue bins if it has trash because then that will defeat the whole purpose of recycling and all those other recyclable materials will not be recyclable anymore. These materials need to be as clean as possible to be able to be recycled.

People are interested in practicality more than what is right for the environment. People are interested in making their lives easier now. I do not blame them, but I do think that even a little helps. I try, but I am ashamed to admit that practicality wins many times.  It is too late to reverse damage, it will take a long time for the earth to heal, but by making some changes we can at least buy some time- for those who believe that the civilization should continue.

If there is something I should know, tell me. Always good to learn something new.

Raw Lemon Juice Therapy/Diet

My skin is looking bad and I'm breaking out bad. Ugh. I noticed when I was doing the raw lemon juice "diet" as someone I know calls it my skin wasn't so bad, it cleaned me pretty good inside. I was told that it was suppose to help me clear my mind, but I guess I wasn't on it as long as I should have been to feel the affects of it.

I'm going to start this again, as soon as I get some lemons. It's rich in Vitamin C, it helps clean the kidneys and digestive system, and helps getting rid of toxins. It definitely helped me with the digestive system, I'll tell you that. It is suppose to clear your mind, improve concentration and all that. I was kind of feeling this, though I ran out of lemons and did not continue. Damn laziness. It won't happen now, I just gotta get lots and lots of lemons.

It helps improve sleep too, in particular: insomnia. I will tell you that this is true from my experience. I guess it all depends when you drink it and what you do after. This person forgot to mention that I wasn't suppose to exercise, and I had drank a small glass of it about an hour before I went jogging. I fell asleep quick, I did not wake up once, and I slept for eight hours. The only thing was that I felt sleepy the whole next day. I'm going to play around with the time I drink it and the jogging, and see how that goes. Though he told me not to exercise, but we'll see. I mean I haven't gone for a jog, I should have done this during this time.

So, about five to six lemons in a glass. Pure, raw lemon juice, freshly squeezed. I will keep you posted how that goes.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

.....

I'm feeling sad tonight, and I feel like crying... where are the tears? I remember three months ago I would have been able to cry. I would have been able to let the tears flow down when I was walking down the street, when I was cleaning at the shop, when I was scrubbing those floors clean. My eyes would get watery and I'd almost loose it, I had to scrub harder and keep myself busy with other things to stop from crying in front of everybody.

It's late, my son is asleep, I'm feeling the need to cry... Why can't I cry?? I want to get over it. I do.  I thought I was doing good this week, I felt fine, but right now I just got hit with sadness, and the need to just cry. Maybe all those times I tucked in those feelings away are so far away, they will be hard to reach and make them surface.

Friday, April 9, 2010

Cold and Hyperthermia

So, I've been reading Cold, though I haven't had much time I do try to read a little every now and then. I am only on page fifty, but it is pretty interesting. I am learning some interesting stuff. More than I did in Masters of Sex, though I am still curious to how they conducted this sex research "in the name of science". Anyway, stuff that is mentioned and I still want to learn more about are hyperthermia, frostbite, hibernation, and caterpillars that live in the Arctic and are able to live by freezing then thawing and then repeating this for a decade or more (how interesting is that). 

I know about these but I like how he goes into more detail about it. He talks about the tissue freezing, ice crystals forming between the cells and then inside the cells, protein breaking down, the flesh dying, the body's core temperature, blood thickening, and etc. He tells details, but I want to know more detailed. So, as I'm reading I'm making a list of what I want to know more about in more detail. It is all very interesting actually. =] I'm glad I turned the other book in and traded it in for this book. 

One thing that stuck out was the School Children's Blizzard that the author (Streever) mentions. It happened in 1888 and it swept through the middle of the US. Temperatures dropped in some places eighteen degrees in less than five minutes! Can you imagine? And add the windchill to that. The blizzard lasted for over three days and when it was over there were cattle frozen in place. People frozen in place, some huddled together (they had to be thawed to separate them). Most of the people that died were children (hence the name of the blizzard). One girl crawled under a haystack and stayed there until the storm was over, she was accompanied by mice who started to get hungry and began nibbling her. Her feet and legs froze (frostbite). She was not able to be saved and died. There were some people who were found without clothes. Hyperthermia, he explained, will change your core temperature. When your core temperature is very low and the person is just about to die the blood goes to the heart and brain and then there is "delirium" and a burning sensation in the skin, a sensation of smothering heat. Hmmm, I want to read more about this, a little more detailed.

Well, that's all for now. I think it is time to sleep.

p.s. what would this be considered? Physics?

Thursday, April 8, 2010

Quizzes, Readings, Money, Random blah

I'm at the library right now taking care of some reading and assignments. I wanted to go out for a jog tonight, but I don't think that's going to be possible. I have a three hour quiz, and a two hour quiz to do and the library's wireless connection is sucking big time, so I'm going to have to wait till I get home to do that. I had done three quizzes before and one of them the connection was cut off and guess what? The instructor did not allow me to do it again. I understand. I mean, she did say that we only had one attempt, so once we open the page we cannot close it. The other my computer shut down, again she said no more attempts because before that she had allowed me to do one quiz again, but no more.

So the recession is said to be officially over, though I'm sure we will not feel it for a little while. I know I felt it when it was here. Before, I always got the first job I applied for- instantly. This time around when I tried to apply, there were absolutely no callbacks. I applied to various jobs, about three times and no call backs. Now, I'm trying again. Let's see what happens.

I need money for some dvm stuff, my CD permit, and I owe some money to the bank. I'm going to have to ask my parents to loan me some money (god, I hate asking them for money) because I don't want this to affect my record. The money that I owe was not even used by me, but by my son's dad (I refuse to refer to him as my husband). He used my card to pay for something he was late on. He overdrew and then there were overdraft fees and late fees. Ugh. I asked him to give me some money to pay the bank, but he does not even have any. I cannot rely on him, so I'm going to have to do it myself.

I said I was going to dedicate today to myself and immerse myself in these emotions but I can't today. My son's dad took too long to pick him up. He was about four hours late, of course no surprise there. I don't feel "down" today but I do feel distracted. By what? Well that is for another time. Too much to write... got to get back to my readings. Break is over.

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Fever

I don't think I'll be sleeping tonight... my son has a fever, a very high fever. I want to make sure I keep checking his temperature and breathing... I always fear my son getting fevers. In his 2 years and four months of living he has only gotten a temperature when he was teething. He has never gotten sick, the closest thing was a very very mild cough. So you can guess how I am feeling now that he has a high fever. Also, whenever I think of fevers I think of my little cousin who died ten years ago. He was only six years old when he died. He stayed home from school because he had a fever and was feeling sick. His oldest brother who was about eighteen was home with him. He was letting him rest and sleep, and then he went to check up on him and noticed something different: his breathing. He shook him slightly and called his name. No response but a groan. Again. Nothing... That is what I think of when I think of children and fevers. I know that is not always the case, but I also know that lots of children die due to the flu.... and I know he does not have the flu, so there has to be something else.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Talking / Thinking to Myself

I feel absolutely horrible. I haven't felt good in a long time. By good I mean enjoying what I have in front of me and being happy with what I have so far and being able to see my goal clearly. Or maybe life is just slapping me in the face and saying "here I am don't enjoy me." Well, whatever it is I don't like it.

My days have been okay. I feel I am in a liminal space... in everything. I am neither part of this world nor the other. I don't fit in with anyone, nor within myself. I am not the old person I use to be, but I am not quite this new person I am becoming (which I don't know yet).

I am just so completely confused. I want to break out of it. I want to slap myself in the face and say "Karina, you are okay. Karina, everybody goes through this and you are going through it now. Karina, get the hell up. Karina, go outside- take your son out. Karina, take your son to go visit his family. Karina, Karina, Karina. What are you doing? Where are you going? What are you thinking about? Well, I am thinking about a lot of things. I am thinking about how there are a lot of people that expect certain and many things from me, and I am afraid I feel I will not be myself if I do provide whatever they expect from me. I am also afraid of letting those people down. I want to take my son and leave them all behind, and say "bye, don't worry we'll visit" and just leave. I want to do what I want to do and when I want. I sound like a brat, but that is how I feel. I want to be selfish. I want to say "screw you everybody, I'm taking care of my needs now." Just thinking about that makes me feel like breaking down. Why can't I just say that??? Why can't I just focus on myself and not worry about anybody else? Is it because of my son? Perhaps... I have been thinking about that. Perhaps I feel  there are certain things that I need to do for my son, and if that includes having to meet those expectations then maybe I need to do it? God, I need help. Hahaha...

I can't go out for a jog tonight, so I am going to sweat a little in my room. Maybe it'll help me clear up my mind a bit, and get me nice and tired, and sore.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Nothing

I've got absolutely nothing to blog about today, nothing has been going on that is out of the ordinary. The only thing that is good is that my sleep has improved a little. I'm able to sleep throughout the night now, usually five or six hours, but I don't wake up once, so that is good.

My mind is absolutely blank right now. How sad, I don't know what to write about. Haha. I thought I'd just update the blog just for the sake of updating.

Hope I have something to update about soon, or at least blog about.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Thoughts on a couple of children's programs

I'm at a Mc Donald's catching up on my reading and chapter activities that are due by midnight tonight. I decided to take a short break and just blog.

I went to see my cousin's new baby girl. She is half Filipino and half Mexican. She looks adorable. I need to start carrying my camera. It was nice to see them.

I was reading about children and television and violence, and I completely agree with violence on television lending to a child being aggressive. But I also think it depends on the child and their home. Don't get me wrong, I like watching some violence in movies every now and then, that is what makes it exciting. However, when the child is only just developing both cognitively and socially, it is a major factor in how they will develop in regards to how they will act and react to things around them. When the child is growing they see models and they use those models themselves when facing a similar situation because many figure that that is the way they need to act or react. That is the way that they know it.

There are many other disadvantages to children watching television. Children learn a lot from television programs, good and bad. They learn how to react to certain things regarding gender differences, racial differences, cultural differences, and etc. There are many programs, including some of the so-called educational children's programs that play into this. For example, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on Disney Channel they have the Minnie and Daisy, and Mickey and Donald, who are very much girls and very much boys. The girls seem to always need saving, and the boys seem to always be the ones to initiate something. This show is an interactive educational show where the children learn about numbers, shapes, letters, and they are given choices where they have to choose the correct one. This is good in a way, but children, I believe need more than just options that will give you a single correct answer and doesn't really require much problem solving.

One program that I do like, and like my son to watch, and he loves it too, is Sid the Science Kid. It is also an educational children's program as well, but this one is aired on the PBS channel. What I absolutely love about this program is that the children learn how to go about answering a question they might have. The show always starts off with Sid asking a question about something he is curious about. Some have been about change/growth, decay, cause and effect, and etc. All that good science stuff. Sid has three classmates and there is also Teacher Susie, who runs her classroom with an emergent curriculum (where the curriculum, or the class activity, comes from the children) in mind. Throughout the whole program there are various things that are being taught. The characters help each other, the boys and girls are the same meaning there is no "ew decay, that's gross" coming from a girl, or anything like that. During observation time the teacher sets out the materials and there is no instruction on the "correct way" to observe, the children simply use their senses and the materials that are set out to explore on their own. The characters record/document their "observations" into their journal, without the teacher instructing them anything specific she wants to see in their journals. All she says is "record your observations" this lets the children record it anyway they want, and record whatever they saw because they each see something different, and there is no one correct answer or way.

This show is just filled with good stuff. They do learn about shapes too, but not like in the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse show where the shape is well defined and in weird places where you will not see that shape at all: like a rock shaped like a perfect triangle, or a tree shaped like a perfect star. What is that? In this show instead, they see shapes in real nature like for example: a pumpkin has a shape that looks like a heart, and etc. It is not well-defined, but that is what it is all about, they will recognize the shapes in things around them, not the way a perfect well-defined shape is. Anyway, there is more to this than I can write in here.

I think I wrote enough for now.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Sleeping and Sneakers

I only ran a little over a mile last night, but I ran it as fast as I could without sprinting. I do have a bad knee, and sprinting always makes it act up. Did some ab work, and thigh work, and I tired myself pretty nicely.

I went to bed almost at 11pm, and woke up almost at 7. First time in a long while I slept for eight straight hours without waking up once. So, that makes me extremely happy. =)

I noticed, as I was stretching, that my right calf is more defined than my left one. I stood up and bent down to look at my legs and you can definitely see the left one is not as nicely defined as the right one. That is crazy. I need new sneakers, I've had these for two years, I remember I got them when I was pregnant with my son. I know that all those time I've walked down the hill with the stroller, from where I use to live, made me step differently. Where I use to live I had to go down a hill to catch the bus, it was about a twenty to thirty minute walk (depended how fast/slow I walked), and I use to put some pressure on my left leg, and step a little inwards in order to keep the cheap stroller from going inwards and bumping into the curb. It was done very consciously at first, but after doing it for so long, I didn't notice that I did it. I only have one pair so I have to use it. I will go buy some sneakers this weekend.

I think I'm doing all right so far with everything else. I'm trying to keep myself busy. I don't have a steady routine, and I'm thinking that maybe I should have one.

I don't really have much to blog about... other than I need new sneakers. Haha.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Kind of Depressing

After I left my husband, I was feeling lonelier than usual. I wanted to cry, I wanted to do something to help me get through it. I didn't like feeling sad, I didn't like the way I was feeling. So, I decided to go to a chatting website just to talk to people, because I really don't have any friends here.

There is nobody here that I feel I can relate to.  I guess I just don't feel like I can open up to them. And friends? No way, my old friends are cool but I just cannot, I don't feel, I should say that I never felt like I can open up to anyone. There is only one friend that I was able to really talk to and she has left to another country about six years ago. She has her own thing going on too, and I just don't like being bothersome to people.

I just don't feel like I can really relate to anybody that I've ever known anymore. I need to make some new friends. I think I need some emotional support, I cannot open up to my family, or "friends". There is so much I want to say but can't. Why? That I don't know. Maybe I should see a therapist. I will give myself some more time, and try to concentrate on what I got to do. I do have my up moods and very down moods, lately though its been more down with the exception of that night I went for a two mile jog. I do not want to enter into a state of depression! So jogging will have to be one of my priorities for myself. And blogging will help me keep a little sane.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Running, Running, and Running

So I ran two miles tonight. All right! I deserve to give myself a pat on the back. Though two miles doesn't seem like much, especially after watching the LA Marathon this morning, where runners ran 26.2 miles.

Wesley Korir won the First place for the men at 2 hours and 9 minutes (wow), he also won last year! That must have been exciting for him. His story is pretty interesting. When he was ten (where he lived in Kenya there were no cars, or buses or anything) he would run five miles to school, then five miles back home for lunch, then five miles back to school, and the reason behind this is because he was trying to avoid punishment from his teachers and mom, and he always woke up late- he says. You can read his story if you'd like on the espn website here: Wesley Korir.

Edna Kipligat won first place for the women at 2 hours and 25 minutes, she has never run the LA Marathon before, AND it was only her second marathon! She finished the race with her hands in the air, and you could just tell how excited she looked... of course she should be, it was only her second marathon!

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Making Time to Read

I've been lacking motivation big time this past week. I haven't even gone for a jog. I've been going about three to four nights a week... but I just haven't even gone once this week... I HAVE to go tomorrow night, even if I don't want to, I will force myself to go, even if it is for a mini one mile jog.

I returned two books back to the library, including Masters of Sex because I just haven't the time to read it, and I"m really not getting anything from it. Instead I got Cold by Mill Streever, and I am liking it already... I know I said I don't have time to read, but I wanted to see if this one is interesting enough to make me make time. And it is! The beginning starts off with the author getting into a pool with water at 35 degrees. Meanwhile he is talking about others who have died, or how they had suffered in cold water, and weather. He also mentions how Fahrenheit, Celsius, and Kelvin came about. It is all very interesting! I cannot wait to make time to read more.

I'm sorry I don't feel up to blogging anything right now, but I wanted to post something just to post and not loose  this blog.

Monday, March 15, 2010

I Slept

I actually fell asleep fast last night. It probably took me only like ten minutes before I fell asleep. I slept six hours straight and I did not wake up once. How awesome is that =). 

I did not take the Melatonin that a couple of you suggested because I wanted to make sure I tried everything else before I take anything even though it is natural. So I did. 

I was going to go run but because of the time change I didn't. I had forgotten about the time when I ate and I wasn't about to go jogging in a full stomach. Instead I did some indoor exercise. I will admit that I hate exercising, I really do. I prefer going for long jogs rather than staying indoors doing squats and what not. But because I didn't go for a jog and it was late I did some sets of hip thrusts, and squats. I actually am proud of my guns. Haha, but I do need to work on those thighs, so that is what I did. 

I also did some Yoga. I read about how it helps you relax, relieve stress and helps with a whole lot of other stuff. If anyone is interested in reading about it: Yoga benefits So I tried it. It is time consuming but I only did a few poses for about twenty minutes total. However I am not flexible at all! But with time, if I continue to do some Yoga I'm sure I can be. The only thing about Yoga is the time. To benefit greatly from Yoga you need time. I don't really have time, but I will take at least twenty minutes a day to slow down, breath and do some Yoga =) Meditation is great too. I will do a post on these another day. 

I am currently at the library and I need to do a quiz I have been postponing and today is the last day it will be available. Yikes.