You will think I am crazy, maybe. October/November of last year I met someone. online. He is much older than I am. Very much. twice my age first it was friendly. paid no attention really.  Quickly though within a couple months I started to feel something deep. Still do. He does too. So. Saturday I will meet him. I know it's crazy. but I feel i must. I will regret not having followed what I feel if i don't. we will see how it goes. He is a dentist. He lives on the other side of the country. PA. I am nervous and excited at the same time. We will see how it goes. Don't know what to write in here. I feel horrible for not having written anything lately. Another update: my dad has moved out of house. long story which i will talk about sometime in near future. Also. I was very close to buying my car. Okay good night =) sorry for such a short entry

The spotted dog

I was walking home today and saw three dogs... I found it odd because these three dogs were very clean, and they did not seem like stray dogs... you can kind of feel the strays because the strays usually tend to be afraid of getting close to you. Poor things, they must have gone through some serious hard times with whichever humans had them. Anyway, they didn't seem like strays.

One of the dogs was white with black spots. His ears were pink with black spots. They flapped as he walked, and then he turned and I was able to see that the dog was a girl. She wasn't a mother though because they didn't sag. But she looked beautiful to me. She seemed to trot, and her ears would flap in unison to the rhythm of her steps. Her butt would go sideways to the right as she walked. She went up to me and I felt her nose on my jeans. I bet it was wet. She then followed me. She walked besides me, I walked on the concrete part while she trotted on the grassy area. Every few steps she'd go down to the grass and sniff around... if she was a male dog I'd say looking to place his mark, but because she is not, I don't know what to say about it. I crossed the street and she crossed the other street perpendicular to the one I crossed. She went up to an older man and he shooed her away with his wooden cane. She went around him, walked past him and saw me cross the other street and she crossed the street perpendicular to it to meet me. She continued, besides me. I wanted to pet her, I wanted to hold her, I wanted to tell her she was beautiful, that she should come with me. I didn't. I went through the gate to where I live, walked up the steps and looked down once I was at the top. She had been sniffing the grass in front. She looked up at me. I stared and she stared back. "I hope my company, however short it was, made you feel better," and then she turned back to where we came from and seemed to retrace her steps back. I walked into the house.

I am so confused. I feel so sad. I want to cry. I want him, why must there be physical in a relationship? When we talk I can feel him. Shouldn't that be enough for now at least? I like him, I like him a lot... I might even say love, but I don't know. things are not that simple, things are so complicated... but shouldn't we be able to work though some things that can be worked with? I mean, physical touch or emotional touch? Which is stronger? Which is more valuable? If everything else is there but that physical stuff... shouldn't it be able to work out? I mean, I'm not saying there will never be anything physical, all I'm saying is that for this initial phase in a relationship, shouldn't it be fine?
Ay!! =(
I should have said this. I will say this tomorrow.

I had a really weird dream with my son's dad in it. I dreamed I was hurt, I couldn't believe it. Yet, at the same time it made sense, though I was still hurt. You know what happened? Nothing literally happened, but what was going on was I found out that my sons' dad was gay. He was with someone, and that someone was a guy. I was so confused. I was hurt on two different levels. I was hurt that he was gay and I had been with him. I was hurt that he didn't know before and we had gone through all that we went through for nothing. A little boy was born and he would not have been born to grow up  in a nasty world, or in this ordeal. I was hurt because he found someone, and I haven't. I know that sounds weird but that was how I was feeling.

I guess it does sound stupid to say, or to think, that one goes through the things that one goes through for nothing. It does feel like things happen and for what? For nothing. But, that really is how things just go, isn't it? Things happen and in the end there is nothing. It's like a waste of time.  Well, perhaps I shouldn't say that things happen for nothing because we do have some sort of personal growth, or some inner growth and learn from it. Some people never learn though. There are some people who are just so closed minded that they don't feel that they themselves were the problem, or that they contributed to the problem, all they feel is that they were right and the others are wrong. They have the right way of thinking and the others do not. Okay, I think I'm just rambling now.

I realize that I contributed to the problem my son's dad and I had. I realize that I could have stopped everything, and I didn't? Why? Well, it doesn't matter why, there shouldn't be any excuses, or least  they don't matter anymore, however valid they are. Things happened, and that is that.

I wish he would stop bothering me. Almost every single day there is a phone call from him, and not all the time it is for calling his son, and when he does talk to him, he has things to say to me. Oh my GOD!!!! Stop freaking calling me!! Stop talking to me, please. I beg you. I'm begging you now as much as I have over the damn phone. Let's just leave things how they are with our son. The things we have arranged around him and for him. It's done. Now, stop calling to talk to me, please?

Okay. I've begged you, and I've gotten nasty with you. And still nothing! When I ask you to stop, you tell me to think about it again, to think about it twice, and more. When I get nasty, you either want to take our son more, you want him more days, you want to keep him more, or you threaten to not be involved with our son. Is there no reason with you? Must you always have things your way? I don't know what do to anymore. I am filing for divorce now, and I just hope that when you get those papers there will be no problems... though, somehow I doubt that. This is going to be such an expensive divorce isn't it?

So, it's been a while since I've updated this thing.

I've been awful in keeping up with my health, so much that there are a few things that I've noticed that shouldn't be, and they need some serious fixing. It's interesting how a change lasting such a short period of time can change a lot about oneself: physically, mentally, emotionally, and perhaps even socially. So, health wise I am not doing so good, how can I speak about health to others when I myself haven't been up to it lately. This unhealthy change seems to have altered my emotional state to an even lower level. Yikes....

So, nothing to really write, just thought I should write something at least for myself... A month without updating isn't good.

Damn, I hate this serious lack of motivation.

I am having so much trouble writing. Perhaps I simply need some motivation to write, some inspiration to write. Or perhaps I just need to do some living.

Oh so pretty

I wore the new jeans with the simple sneakers and my dark grey tank top. I realized something, as long as I wear even just a shirt that makes me feel pretty its good for me, even if its just my half inch sandals, its good for me, even if its the eyeliner, its good for me.

I need to feel pretty, I have been trying to make an effort into making myself feel a bit more confident. If I leave the house feeling pretty then my self esteem will go up a bit for that day, and I will be able to go about my day without feeling uncomfortable. I know it shouldn't matter what others see... and to be honest I don't think this is about what others can physically see, but its about how I physically see myself and how I feel about myself. So, in order to boost myself up a bit I am making sure to do something, however miniscule it is. As long as I can feel it I think I'll be alright in that aspect, for that day anyway.

I painted my nails red today, bright red, so bright they look bloody red. I like it. I like the way they look with my soft brown skin. Every time I touch my face with them I look at them. Every time I brush my bangs back I look at them. Every time I scratch an itch on my arm I look at them. Every time I do anything with my hands I feel compelled to look at them, almost stare. They don't look like my hands with these bloody red nails. They look pretty, they look even sexy. I think I'm in love with them. Hah.

I really more than dislike these feelings. I actually hate these feelings.

I am recognizing a lot better now these feelings. And even though I am, I feel so powerless. I cannot control these feelings. I cannot stop myself and snap out of it. Why can't I? I can acknowledge the feelings, and when I know that there is no real reason to feel like this I get angry at myself for not being able to deal with these damn feelings and overwhelming emotions.

I feel like I am gasping for air.

I feel like I'm drowning.

Damn it. I really want to stop it. Everything is now bothering me, and any little thing might set me completely off.

I need some affection.